don't let (life) dull your sparkle

so i realised i haven't really been giving my 101% to blogging something that's meaningful and read-worthy.
no i will not let my linguistic sentiments hit rock bottom right now, i need to revive the spirit of writing fervently!!!!!!!!!!! *throws celebratory confetti*
and that's mainly because there is zero hype in life right now.

so for the past month, i haven't actually really been up to anything interesting.
well, except for the intermittent job-hopping and occasional shopping sprees.
i think as everyone knows, i quit my internship at my fomer web design company for clear-cut reasons.
well, i actually really enjoyed my job because i did a lot of writing and it honestly offered me a decently competent challenge to stretch my creativity to the fullest potential to think about what to write each new day.
i really enjoyed doing corporate profile write-ups for various companies and generating smooth-tongued catchphrases for advertising purposes.
i actually picked up pretty basic yet useful photoshop skills during my attachment too!

when my company actually finally launches their new website - i'll do some free advertisement for them here and claim credit for all the writing that i've done inside heehee. (but it's true - that was my fruit of hard work after 2 months)

so after i fulfilled my 2-month internship, i had the thought of staying on to work at a part-time hourly rate, just like those admin workers at the offices.
as i mentioned in an earlier post, it was unfortunate that the pay didn't live up to my expectations and hence i quit the job!!
it was kind of a pity because i really liked what i was doing.
but i knew i had to be fair to myself - i had to balance passion and pragmatism on a fine line.
so i did myself an unsolicited favour and left.
may consider freelance back there again even after i start uni who knows?



that marked the start of my unemployment for 2 weeks.
and it truly did feel weird because i was so used to a stable income (not substantial though i was still earning more than i spent) and having something to do every single day.
sounds robotic but i did miss having a systematic lifestyle to lead because honestly, with that 2 weeks i did nothing productive, and everything else the opposite.
up till now, all the things that i promised to do after a's - making my 2016 planner, getting up to exercise (hey no wait i semi-fulfilled this) daily (ok wait no) and whatnot are still left unchecked off the list.
basically in summary i spent that 2 weeks of unemployment watching too much running man, fangirling excessively about exo, sleeping like snorlax and well, trying to find a new job.
wow ewww, i actually feel slightly revolted at myself thinking about my indolence then.
what subliminal aversion towards myself lol.

actually i was quite hesitant about working because i was going to fly in a month's time then so i felt
then there was no pressing need to search for work to kill time.
and that brings me to my next point about the only hype/sparkle/excitement/wow factor in my life: my korea trip!!!!!!



god knows how excited i am to be flying in about 2 weeks time. :-)
i have been researching all day every day about seoul since december, and finally, my trip is happening in real life!!!!!!!!!
going to temporarily migrate - as i ineptly call it - to seoul for 17 days in may and i'm actually quite excited.
(i think even vanessa is put off by my overly enthused vibes that i'm radiating everytime i see her, oops)
when i come back rejuvenated from wanderlust, i promise i'll deliver detailed posts coupled with good photos ok?
17 days doesn't sound very long for a super effective therapeutic getaway but then again, spending more than 2 weeks in foreign land... homesickness is inevitable :-(
#seoulfarseoulgood is happening right here right now!!!!!!! (don't laugh at my cheesy hashtag, friends)
D-14 leggo!

okay anyway back to the mundane realities of life - so i am employed now and i just finished my first week of work at a salad bar!!
i didn't really expect much out of this job, the only reason why i initially agreed to work was because they were really in need of people (and partially also because i've always wanted to try working in a salad bar/cupcake shop)
but ultimately i conceded because the pull factor of a warm and fun-loving environment struck me.

my first week at work went pretty well and i must say, the people there are really amazing.
it's a pretty relaxing job i would say, and i felt that this was the place for quintessential domestication ;)
i actually really learn a lot about the kitchen and ingredient preparation, and how to use a lot of the tools.
being an undomestic goddess (like sophie kinsella, oh what deadly influence she has left upon me by indulging in too many of her books oh no), i learnt how to differentiate between a blender and juicer, how to cut pumpkins (holy my arms ache bc it's so tough), how to operate that darned can opener that i have struggled with for years and etc.
so i actually enjoy the exposure i get here in the salad bar.
i'm still in the midst of mastering the art of wrap-making because i am an extreme loser when it comes to stuffing vegetables and its many friends snugly into its outerwear (but an ultimate winner when it comes to eating).
week 1 at work is down and wow, surprisingly i am starting to feel repulsive at the thought of romaine lettuces......
never mind that, i'm just thankful i haven't really caused much of a debacle in the kitchen.
well, exclude the times when i dropped the blender full with carrots and when i absentmindedly added onions into a customer's order when he specifically refused that tear-inducing vegetable...
week 2 of daily work is awaiting me but i know i'll pull through thanks to great companionship! (yay for the familiar faces yx and janice and the new friends i've made)

about to start my tutoring job next week too and guess what, my nightmare is coming true.
the subject i feared most at a levels that left me with abysmal scars is charging right back at me again - chemistry T_T
hopefully i can still cope well enough with the secondary school syllabus...
gotta keep reading up again tomorrow and it's time to revisit the ten-year-series as a good old pal once more.

i am an unlucky girl.

yes, to cut the long story short (because this irritating blogger mobile app really sucks and did not save my post), i am a rare online shopper who just so happened to pop by the zalora store, spent $40, then minutes later i received a flashy email with bizarre gory colors saying:

i think i nearly died........ i seriously just...

yup so i went for browsing round 2 and forked out another $50 to buy more clothes ugh.

so yes that day i earned about $40 but i spent almost $100.

so much for practising prudence -_-

but anyway i can't wait for the clothes to come!!!!!! 

will blog about them when they arrive :-)

oh oh oh!

recently decided (more like i was forced to) to pick up reading.

yes friends you heard that right, I'M READING!!!!!

because i made a little promise to xh that i would pick up reading if i successfully made it into linguistics.

with great power(ful) (statements) comes great responsibility.

so here's to my first book in god-knows-how-long, wordwatching!

yes that was me in a coffee shop a few days back - reading.

picked this out from the library specially a few weeks back because it seems really relevant to my future course of study.

wordwatching is about a man who loves words so much he's inventing his own and trying all ways and means to have them officialized in the dictionary! and so his adventure begins.

(let's see how my adventurous promise of reading will turn out, it's still too early to say)

yup, after i've dramatized my once-unimaginative life, i think that's pretty much i have for the post today.
my schedule for the week ahead is packed to the brim and i don't even want to think about anything else right now :(
the only thing that'll keep me going is probably the pocket money i'll earn for the month that might just be enough to fund a little of my shopping tendencies in korea.
this year i actually finally understand the true meaning of labour day hohoho.

time to go now, i'll update this space again soon!
probably before i fly.

one last piece of advice - if you feel like you've lost your sparkle in life, find one.
just like how i did.



see you kids real soon. ;)

2015 thus far

heyyyyyyyyyyy.

2015's been a pretty fulfilling year so far but i kinda like the feeling.

it's a different kind of busyness that you feel and hence the adrenaline rush you get from being packed feels pretty rewarding.

i guess i've been trying a lot of new things this past month.

be it work-wise or leisure time, i guess life does have its perks now :)

i've been trying out many jobs and i think i kinda ruled out many of my future career options already.

and here they are.

1) any outdoor job

any of such that requires a decent amount of walking and fitness - please don't you ever come and find me. i hate any sort of things that have got to do with physical fitness. i nearly died on the job of "forest-trekking" and i am quite thankful i ceased my outdoor work. it definitely isn't my cup of tea as you all know.

2) marketing

i'm not the kind with the best verbal persuasion skills around and i'm not too fluent in conversational chinese. i just don't really have that extra "aha!" when it comes to promoting a good. furthermore it would be hard for an introvert like me to survive this kind of environment. though i am inclined towards written english but speaking it is a different story especially when it comes to convincing others. guess i'd be trampled over and out in this field so no thanks.

3) f&b/service

i wouldn't wanna venture into this industry in the future unless i'm running the place itself. i don't think i would enjoy work if i had to endure a mediocre pay that didn't put my brain to good use. i'm not too good with common-sensical things and i tend to forget how to physically operate things too. i don't have a knack for hands-on things so getting me to fix this and that with my hands just somehow doesn't connect with my brain. f&b and the service line requires a hell lot of physical fitness too - which is something i kinda lack. it's not that i don't enjoy holding a meaningful yet casual conversation with customers, but to do something like this everyday would mean that my brain will probably degenerate quicker than usual. i like interacting with people but not too much. introverts meh.

so yup. after all the jobs that i've undertaken the past month, i've certainly ruled out/will avoid venturing into these areas in the future.

it's not a form of complaint about my previous jobs but rather just an introspective self-evaluation that everyone needs to have occasionally.

i think post-tertiary education is a great time to explore all the career options available out there.

post-tertiary education is really the time of transition between academics and work, between spending and saving, between time and money.

i think this period has endowed me with many amazing opportunities to learn something out there that the classroom could never teach me.

such learning though, can be much riskier than the conventional pen-and-paper tests back in schools, but it's so much more experiential and enriching.

you learn so much more out of each new thing you embark on and i think sometimes it teaches you not just about your surroundings (and the true world), but you also begin a self-discovery journey along with yourself.

sometimes i guess sticking to your primitive comfort zone isn't entirely good.

let 2015 be the year to try new things and learn great lessons!

trying new things.

i cannot forget about - trying new music.

ever since sec 3 my love for dbsk has died down and i've never once returned to the world of k-pop.

i've always been an intermittent being of the k-pop realm who is constantly phasing in and out of it.

nothing beats classic english songs but sometimes your inner self wants to search for an alternative and there it is - k-pop.

honestly i think people who diss k-pop are quite stupid.

okay it's not that i am a holy saint who has never once insulted k-pop but seriously give it a chance.

you know how people always say that the world is so huge that you'll definitely find a place for yourself?

same goes to the k-pop world, you'll definitely find something that suits your taste.

i mean what's so bad about it.

okay maybe some really can't sing or that the music is so auto-tuned and computerized it doesn't even sound authentic anymore.

but i think you gotta give credit to k-idols (and maybe even any artiste out there) for their superb, synchronized and almost robotic dancing skills.

music will always be music, it is a universal language transcending all language barriers.

i think 2015 really made me open my eyes to see why i have "fallen back into the bottomless pit of k-pop again".

to put it in a positive perspective, it's not just about the same-old mindless fangirling and obsession, but rather, embracing a whole new world of music and opening my eyes to experience a tantalizing, flavourful culture. :-)

(ON A SIDE NOTE, EXO IS AMAZEBALLS. I SWEAR. IT'S LIKE THESE 12 DANCING AND SINGING GODS DESCENDED FROM HEAVEN OUT OF NOWHERE)

(growl is my favourite choreography omg what even this madness ^)

okay i shall not get carried away and start spitting out excessive fangirl lingo.......... so bye for now!!!

internship tomorrow yay i'm really happy :-))))))))))))

looking forward to work is probably one of the best things in life that can happen to you.

KYUNGSOO'S HEART-SHAPED LIPS DATS RIGHT :-)))))))))

5 things before i want to accomplish before i turn 25

typical cliche post that has been the hottest topic raved about at school (by the school) that has never seemed to entice me.
i mean, me turning 25 is so far away, say about 7 years?
that's still a long way to go.
-
but then again i pause, and think. 7 years ain't very far away isn't it?
7 years ago i was listening to the click five's jenny and fall out boy's thnks fr th mmrs. (yup i was a hipster kid back then ok no jk hahahaha)
so suddenly this "things you want to do before you turn 25" suddenly resonated with every vein in me.
my future-sighted self had been called to the forefront for this random long-term vision interpretation.
and after questioning myself for a day, i kinda found the 5 things i want to achieve before 25, with the last one being more like a wish rather than something that i'd make happen.
oh well, hopefully this post will turn out interesting, so here goes!

1) choose passion over money



this would be the perfect diagrammatic representation of my thoughts that i am about to pen down.
at a young (?) age of 18 i wouldn't exactly say i've found my life purpose or interest.
things are still so transient i don't even what is going to stay and what is going to go.
when i was younger i once wanted to be a teacher so bad i actually invested in a whole load of whiteboard markers and an ikea easel-cum-whiteboard and pretended to set questions and photocopied a few sets of worksheets for my "invisible" class.
derived so much joy from it, which i don't even know how.
kids will be kids.
anyway after that i moved on from my "teacher-teacher!" aspirations to a counsellor.
like the kinds that you see in school that are pretty much slacking off in a cosy room, oops.
i believed in my great big ego that i was an excellent "advice-giver" and that i could solve any emotional problems with a few "pieces of my priceless advice".
utter bullshit because i realised how painstaking it would be to bear with all the shit you get from random outsiders you don't even know.
not as if you don't get enough bullshit in life yourself.
with that being said i would actually like to express my admiration for these counsellors/psychologists who have patience levels that never run dry eternally.
after getting over that crazy idea of venturing into counselling or psychology (which is probably one of the most cliche careers i've ever heard around), food came into the picture and ta-dah!!!!! nutritionist.
to be honest i don't even know if i'll ever make it as a scientific foodie out there because i'll probably just be cooped up in my own office raving about all the sweet treats i would be baking during the weekends.
anyway i really love food and i honestly believe in the power of it, how it can shape lives and transform people.
haven't completely abandoned this idea of nutrition as a career; the only thing stopping me is probably the fact that i won't make it big locally simply because the industry's too small.
so to date, what my current interest is probably journalism and writing.
i honestly adore the english language and it would be great if i could pursue something in the field of media.
editing and publishing maybe?
everytime i accomplish a piece of writing i always feel so accomplished and there is always that sense of joy when you find interesting viewpoints or complicated words to put into your writing.
writing is so much like cooking, except the fact that you will never burn yourself hehe.

okay back to the topic of passion over money. (i need to stop telling grandmother-long stories before touching on the main topic because at this rate i'll never be able to finish before 1am and there's school tomorrow)
so yeah i honestly don't want to be the airy-fairy pragmatic workaholic that slugs her guts out at a really shitty company that although pays well, doesn't give me happiness at all.
imagine going to work everyday and facing a pile of let's say...... something you really don't like. for me that would probably be analysing graphs depicting economic growth and writing shit-long reports on them.
oh my life, what meaning would there be anymore????
that would be like going to school now....
though the cost of living is rapidly rising and that this phenomenon is unseemly retarding, as much advice the sapient, prudent ones are going to offer me, i really hope i can land myself at a job that i enjoy.
even if the pay isn't as bountiful i guess the long-term rewards of enjoying what you do and having a good internal equanimity and mental wellness is probably a lot more satistfying :)

2) pick up 2 other languages



this was inspired by my inquisitiveness towards english i guess.
it would honestly be really amazing if you could hear me converse in a foreign language by the time i turn 25.
i mean, what harm would there be to pick up a new language?
really want to learn korean (thank running man), but i have yet to think about the other language that i want to master.
german and french could be likely possibilities because i've learnt a teeny bit about their language when studying history back in secondary school, but it's quite fascinating, especially the funny dots and lines that come along with the conventional alphabet!
hopefully i get into linguistics in uni (i pray so hard i do) and maybe i'll discover what i really really want to learn!!!!! :-)

3) start a food funding programme for needy children



i think this picture really struck me because of the numerous hands that are extended in fervent and desperate hopes of feeding their hungry stomachs.
a photograph of countless bare hands stretched out that clearly translates into the number of empty stomachs there are to satisfy.
singapore is such a blessed country with barely anything to worry about besides secondary issues of homework and stress levels.
the difference is that we worry about not being able to get what we WANT to eat, while they worry about not being able to get what they NEED.
i believe it won't hurt to fork out a little bit of my salary every week to fund a child a meal.
such a cliche project that's started by countless individuals and philanthropists out there, but i guess the feeling's different when you yourself really play a part by funding a meal for a kid.
won't say that i'd begin by reaching out to the kids living in the slums of india, but to start small, funding the needy children in singapore itself would be a positive beginning in itself.
as much as food is important to me, i strongly believe in the importance of adequate nutrition and that "3 meals a day" are the bare minimum for a child.
i think i'm kinda rubbing off jamie oliver and his meal plans for children hahahaha.
#teamjamie

4) pick up a weekly sport to keep fit and maintain an ideal weight



no i am not talking about the kinds that you play as mario and your opponent as bowser and you try in vain to burn calories by whacking around clumsily with a remote control.
i'm talking about the getting down to sweating on the court and stuff.
i actually really want to keep fit and it would be perfect to devote my sundays to playing a sport with some good old friends, just like how my dad plays badminton every thursday night and fusionball (a modified version of tennis for older folks) every sunday afternoon.
absolutely detest running so never will that happen (though i actually considered putting "accomplishing a 10km marathon under 1 hour" in this list of 5 things but obviously my lazy self retreated and even cringed at this ludicrous idea)
swimming sounds good but i'm really self-conscious of my body so no thanks.
considering badminton, golf or frisbee so yes my fellow sports-enthusiast friends please include me in some of your leisure games!!!! *raises hand really high with eagerness*

5) find someone who loves me more than i love him



yes this is in italics because i obviously cannot control this kind of prophetic fate.
was really inspired by this article on thoughtcatalog.
pretty fairytale-like and utopian but, i guess there is some truth in the words of the author.
it will be rare, so rare to find a guy who loves you more than you do to him.
i guess i am someone who's really committed when it comes to relationships with others be it platonic or romantic.
i like to believe that i give my all in every friendship i keep and nothing less when it comes to romantic relationships too.
so on my part i guess i won't shortchange him in any way because i know i will be there to keep the relationship alive!!!

i'll let the article do the talking and yes, off to sleep i go!!!
school tomorrow, exams in 3 days.
*insert all enervated facial expressions possible in this universe*

"Date a man who loves you more. Meet him young, at a time when you’re not old enough to realize how precious he is. Fall in love carelessly. Start to think he must be the one, begin building a life with him. Become entangled with his family and him with yours, believe he will be the father of your children in later years. Date a man who loves you more because he will love everything you hate about yourself. The man who loves you more will rub your feet when you’re tired and take your cousins out for ice cream because he is simply that kind of man. He will abandon his plans to come rub your back when you’re sick without you ever having to ask. The man who loves you more will allow you to grow as a person without taking space. He will be patient, kind; he will know when to apologize and when to be quiet. He will never yell. He will laugh at your jokes and find you beautiful, even at your worst. The man who loves you more will love you entirely, unconditionally; he will follow you anywhere and do anything for you.
As you grow with the man who loves you more, ignore the creeping sense of boredom. Ignore it because it is selfish, it is unbecoming, and you know you should be satisfied with this perfect man. Ignore it because you watch the women around you, your friends, your sisters, your co-workers, and you know they all long for the man you have. Ignore the melancholia and the longing you feel every time you watch a couple fight with passion, with anger, with fire. Count on your fingers the number of fights you’ve had over the years, and consider yourself lucky without really believing it. Ignore the nostalgia you feel for moments that have never existed. Ignore it because you know passion is fleeting, passion is mercurial; passion is not something you build a life on. Passion will not raise your kids, it will not pay your mortgage. When passion fades, you tell yourself, you are left with nothing but regret. Ignore the slow leak of emptiness filling your gut when you kiss him, because it does not belong in your life. It does not belong with this perfect man who loves you more. He is dependable and with him, you know you will lead a lifetime of contentment. You will travel with him, you will push him towards his goals. You will have wonderful memories and photo albums. You will celebrate milestones with pride, you will grow old holding his hand and raise balanced children with him. When your children fall in love, you will smile and hope they find someone who loves them more, because it will guarantee them the satisfied life you have led.
Do not date the other man because the other man will never give you the stability you know you need. Stay away from the other man because with him, you are unreliable. The other man will never be there for you with the same dependability you have come to expect. He will challenge you and push you to question everything you think you know about yourself. The other man will love you, he will love you in ways that make you abandon every certainty you have ever had, but he will not help you keep your balance. Just when you think you have figured that man out, he will disorient you, you will be winded, you will not be able to breathe. Date the man who loves you more because the other man will never need you. He will miss you when you’re gone, he will secretly be broken, but he will go on without you because he does not depend on anyone. This man is treacherous, you cannot trust yourself with him.
When things are good with this man, you will be euphoric. You will be the best version of yourself. You will look in the mirror and find you are beautiful. You will be the luckiest woman in the world, and you will believe it. You will tell him you love him and the words will explode out of your heart because it will be the first time you have ever encountered such irrevocable truth. He will say it back and mean it, and you will feel like you can never be close enough to him. You will lose yourself in him, and he will lose himself in you. Stay away from this man because your happiness will be fleeting. When things are bad with him, he will fight back. He will not be patient, he will not soothe you. The other man will be infuriating. He will be selfish, careless with his words and at times even cruel. He will try to inflict as much pain on you as he himself is feeling. He will not apologize and he will push you to your limits. With this man, you can expect the dizzying agony of passion, the blurred oblivion of apathy, the delicious comfort of despair, the addictive misery of loneliness. You will tell yourself that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but in that moment of utter hopelessness, you will not believe it with absolute conviction.
Date a man who loves you more because while he can never be quite enough, the other man will always be too much. The other man will leave you thirsty for more, parched for him, panicked like a drunk who has finished his last bottle. Date that man who loves you more, fall for him in a slow and steady way, build a foundation with him and consider, truly consider, how lucky you are to have found him. Do all this, because with the other man, you will never know anything but a frenzied hunger and all-encompassing madness. With that man you will burn bright and fast, and you will be invincible until you are not. Find the man who loves you more and keep him because the worth of happiness cannot be measured in days and months and years, and those fleeting few memories of pure, unadulterated bliss will never measure up to the lifetime of contentment you will have with the man who loves you more. Tell yourself this over and over, let it become your mantra, and condition yourself to believe it. Forget the other man, or at least try to, ignore the smells, the sounds and the things that remind you of him, ignore the way he made you feel, because you are better off apart. Together you make the world explode, but you cannot survive in it after. Date the man who loves you more, choose him and never let him go, because you are wise enough to know that stories of true love never have a happy ending, and with this man at least you will die knowing someone loved you more. "

goodnight my fellow sweethearts, have a great week ahead xx

this hope shall anchor my soul

spent 7 hours in the library today trying to complete my agenda for today, which was more homework.

productivity was at its peak today and i'm really happy for that!!!

ticked off 3 things from the homework list and yay that's a step closer to whacking that pile down and starting on revision.

150+ days left to a levels, which means only 19 fridays left.

19. wow. that's a scarily surreal number.

don't know if i'll ever make it at this rate i'm going but, i will do my best (screw the school and their nonsense about us merely claiming to put in our best effort)

-

i don't know but have you ever felt like you are losing it all?

well i do.

it's like suddenly everything is so difficult, so hard-pressed, so insane.

i feel like i'm losing sight of where i'm headed, and not only so, but i feel like i'm like i'm losing myself, as a person too.

i can feel my personal self eroding; i am so tired of doing things for people when sometimes they don't really appreciate it.

i think sometimes i really spend too much time on stupid things.

stupid things that aren't even worth my time and effort.

maybe i value love too much.

not that kind of romantic love but the caring love.

the kind that you find joy in seeing someone else happy.

but why?

i'm slowly losing the motivation to carry on, to continue to be that encourager.

obviously i am not having it any easier myself, but i'm human too, and i get tired as well.

is it wrong for me to need that bit of encouragement too?

seriously the only reason why i am frantically typing everything here is because i think everyone is as equally bogged down by their own set of problems to be even caring about mine.

what's more it's such a crucial year of a's, who the shit will care about emotions?

it is really both a blessing and curse to feel everything so, so deeply.

and i really wished i could emotionally detach myself from people and things.

but i can feel it coming already, this change.

i'm starting to feel like i can always be alone.

i'm slowly accepting the times of solitude and quietness when i'm alone.

one half of me is saying that but yet another half is silently whispering to me otherwise.

am i even making any sense so far? i think this stress is seriously getting into my head.

i'm sorry to my family whom i kinda expressed my dissatisfaction rather strongly at, whom have always been worried about my whereabouts because i keep disappearing out to study in the day and only returning at night.

i'm sorry i am such a selfish individual that only knows how to put my own interests first (i.e. studies and friends) and all you guys can do is to watch me be set free by my own desires.

i'm sorry that i haven't been spending a lot of time at home, but really, studying outside is really the best for me.

i'm sorry that i have always been such a letdown as much as i try. i know you never blame me for not producing results and even just affirm me for simply doing my best, but honestly the amount of time and devotion and encouragement you have lavished on me isn't proportional to the kind of results i am producing and seriously i can't help but feel like i am a letdown.

i'm sorry to my friends if i haven't been the best one around, that i haven't been someone worthy of your time and company.

i'm sorry that i don't know how to help you all when you guys need help, i myself am at a loss, if i can't even save myself how am i going to help you?

i'm sorry for being this much of a failure in life, i don't even know what i'm good at.

there are people out there who are capable at something; they can dance, they can sing, they can cook, they can draw, they can play an instrument, they can do something at least, with their lives.

and then you have me over here who doesn't seem to have a direction in life.

there's really nothing i can do exceptionally well.

i don't know what is hampering my footsteps in dreaming big and achieving it.

i guess i lack some confidence and that i am always held back by my emotions.

i am TT__TT so much right now i don't even know where to begin again.

but i will always bear this in mind.

let this be the hope that shall anchor my soul.

losing focus

i swear this is me right now.

i. cannot. freaking. focus.

i don't even know why!!!!!

it's like i would do anything but study.

i can just nua on my bed doing nothing, or stare into blank space at nothing.

i would do anything and everything, i even went to play icy tower on facebook because i was just so freaking tired of studying (which was when i found out that there is no more restaurant city on fb too).

my attention span is like less than 3 minutes before i pick up my phone again.

so damn tired of studying already omg, i know it's the mid-year exam period and i shouldn't be losing my motivation at times like this, but really i cannot help it.

i think coming to jc has really made me develop a hate for studying.

i used to not mind mugging in secondary school, but now in jc it's a whole different story.

jc makes you feel really stupid, like a pea.

gross.

aiya i just hope i get through mid-years and improve a little from common tests.

mye's start this friday with gp and freaking bio omg????!!!!!?!?!?!!?

there's study leave tmrw, but i'm not sure if i should go to the airport to study?

but if yes that means i have to lug all my bio crap over there and that includes one fat file of lecture notes + books plus the damn ten-year series which i think is at least 500 pages thick.

omg how how how or should i go for half a day and come back home after lunch to memorize content b'cos i can't do it outside?

but i cannot focus at home i swear omg.

sucks to be me.

how how how how what should i do tmr/where should i study tmr!!!! :(

in a mess

i don't even know where to begin blogging.

sorry that i haven't blogged for the past month, really just couldn't find a time to sit down and chill with my laptop.

to say that so much has happened over the past month would be an understatement.

i feel like i just exhausted 10 years of my life because school has been way too tiring i'm barely coping.

it's only been 2 months of school (ok wait for a second i thought it was still january) and i feel like i am on a treadmill working out...

not that i am physically drained but school is so packed i can't even.

i guess the worst part of these 2 months of school is that i am losing focus.

i can barely keep awake for the full hour of any lecture or tutorial i don't even know why.

every lesson i will nod off without fail.

seriously i don't know what is up with me, i just can't pull myself back to reality and the fact that i am already in year 2 is scaring the daylights out of me.

i can't even imagine what is going to happen to me if i continue nodding off.

in year 1 i've already learnt that i should not let things snowball, because in the end i'll be the one suffering.

and it's going to be painful.

but somehow i just can't bring myself to concentrate in class.

all the more that this is my a's year i should be fully awake, but i really really really can't help it.

even people are telling me that all i am either doing in class is "eating sweets (to keep awake)" or "nodding off".

and this is bad.

i've never been this tired before.

i know it is typical of every student to feel like a zombie during lectures and tutorials, and that when it comes to break they're like damn awake.

but in my case it's really bad.

i am obviously absorbing nothing from lectures and tutorials because i am struggling so hard to keep awake. so, so hard.

sometimes i wonder if it is because of the fact that i've been sick and coughing for the past 3 months that's why it is taking a toll on my body now.

my voice is still deep and manly btw hahaha thanks to orientation and all that screaming and cheering.

so i finally resigned to my fate of seeing the doctor tomorrow after sr picnic.

i think this will be my first step to getting back on track with my studies. :)

and hopefully it'll work out well.

with a little discipline and self-control i will do this.

somebody please motivate me :(

anyway tomorrow is our last day of orientation and honestly i'm sooooo sad it's going to be over!!!
5 days of enthusiasm, fun and laughter have passed way too quickly.

would love to have extended orientation but no, the opportunity cost incurred is going to be way too huge i cannot pay for it.

anyway on a side note, i think coming to jc has made me realise much.

everyone here is so caught up with their own issues they barely have time for you.

yeah they say that you come to jc to mug, but honestly, that's quite sad.

even i myself have a load of shit to deal with, i admit i barely have time for the people around me.

my friends and especially my family.

i'm sorry if i've neglected anyone of you all, just give me time to adapt and cope with this stress.

i am terrible at socializing maybe because i have relatively low self-esteem or that i am a natural introvert.

sometimes i really wonder what is with me.

i used to value friendships a lot but now i guess it has taken a backseat.

to be honest now i am confused about my own priorities.

just what exactly is most important to me now?

studies? no, i can't even focus in class and i am doing rly badly for all my pop quizzes lololol because i just don't have the heart to study.

rest? no, i can't even find the time to finish my tutorials and it is worrying to know that i have so much to catch up with because of orientation... how am i going to make up for that 5 hours of bio omg.

argh i don't know.

friends? no. tbh in jc i feel like i am the most unfriendly person on earth. i think i make a really bad ogl/cgl because i'm just so bad at striking conversations or just dancing or just making friends.

sorry if i don't possess the outward qualities a ogl/cgl/friend should, but deep down i really mean nothing but good.

please don't ever doubt me or anything i do because it's done with good intentions.

i'm sorry i can't be perfect or just a little bit friendly because somehow i can't help but think everyone hates me.

#selfesteemissues

i don't even have the mood to do anything now - and i obviously can't get to sleep with all these thoughts bugging me at this hour.

when will i ever sort my life out again?

maybe all i need is a good day off to settle down from all this hustle and bustle and that is life.

time to get some sleep tonight for the final of day of orientation tomorrow!

so excited yet sad that it's all coming to an end.

kudos to everyone for their hard work the past 5 days and the council for all the planning too :-)

#lovesrjc25

yes i can do this.

i will do this.

because music always keeps the soul alive.

thank you simple plan.