in a mess

i don't even know where to begin blogging.

sorry that i haven't blogged for the past month, really just couldn't find a time to sit down and chill with my laptop.

to say that so much has happened over the past month would be an understatement.

i feel like i just exhausted 10 years of my life because school has been way too tiring i'm barely coping.

it's only been 2 months of school (ok wait for a second i thought it was still january) and i feel like i am on a treadmill working out...

not that i am physically drained but school is so packed i can't even.

i guess the worst part of these 2 months of school is that i am losing focus.

i can barely keep awake for the full hour of any lecture or tutorial i don't even know why.

every lesson i will nod off without fail.

seriously i don't know what is up with me, i just can't pull myself back to reality and the fact that i am already in year 2 is scaring the daylights out of me.

i can't even imagine what is going to happen to me if i continue nodding off.

in year 1 i've already learnt that i should not let things snowball, because in the end i'll be the one suffering.

and it's going to be painful.

but somehow i just can't bring myself to concentrate in class.

all the more that this is my a's year i should be fully awake, but i really really really can't help it.

even people are telling me that all i am either doing in class is "eating sweets (to keep awake)" or "nodding off".

and this is bad.

i've never been this tired before.

i know it is typical of every student to feel like a zombie during lectures and tutorials, and that when it comes to break they're like damn awake.

but in my case it's really bad.

i am obviously absorbing nothing from lectures and tutorials because i am struggling so hard to keep awake. so, so hard.

sometimes i wonder if it is because of the fact that i've been sick and coughing for the past 3 months that's why it is taking a toll on my body now.

my voice is still deep and manly btw hahaha thanks to orientation and all that screaming and cheering.

so i finally resigned to my fate of seeing the doctor tomorrow after sr picnic.

i think this will be my first step to getting back on track with my studies. :)

and hopefully it'll work out well.

with a little discipline and self-control i will do this.

somebody please motivate me :(

anyway tomorrow is our last day of orientation and honestly i'm sooooo sad it's going to be over!!!
5 days of enthusiasm, fun and laughter have passed way too quickly.

would love to have extended orientation but no, the opportunity cost incurred is going to be way too huge i cannot pay for it.

anyway on a side note, i think coming to jc has made me realise much.

everyone here is so caught up with their own issues they barely have time for you.

yeah they say that you come to jc to mug, but honestly, that's quite sad.

even i myself have a load of shit to deal with, i admit i barely have time for the people around me.

my friends and especially my family.

i'm sorry if i've neglected anyone of you all, just give me time to adapt and cope with this stress.

i am terrible at socializing maybe because i have relatively low self-esteem or that i am a natural introvert.

sometimes i really wonder what is with me.

i used to value friendships a lot but now i guess it has taken a backseat.

to be honest now i am confused about my own priorities.

just what exactly is most important to me now?

studies? no, i can't even focus in class and i am doing rly badly for all my pop quizzes lololol because i just don't have the heart to study.

rest? no, i can't even find the time to finish my tutorials and it is worrying to know that i have so much to catch up with because of orientation... how am i going to make up for that 5 hours of bio omg.

argh i don't know.

friends? no. tbh in jc i feel like i am the most unfriendly person on earth. i think i make a really bad ogl/cgl because i'm just so bad at striking conversations or just dancing or just making friends.

sorry if i don't possess the outward qualities a ogl/cgl/friend should, but deep down i really mean nothing but good.

please don't ever doubt me or anything i do because it's done with good intentions.

i'm sorry i can't be perfect or just a little bit friendly because somehow i can't help but think everyone hates me.

#selfesteemissues

i don't even have the mood to do anything now - and i obviously can't get to sleep with all these thoughts bugging me at this hour.

when will i ever sort my life out again?

maybe all i need is a good day off to settle down from all this hustle and bustle and that is life.

time to get some sleep tonight for the final of day of orientation tomorrow!

so excited yet sad that it's all coming to an end.

kudos to everyone for their hard work the past 5 days and the council for all the planning too :-)

#lovesrjc25

yes i can do this.

i will do this.

because music always keeps the soul alive.

thank you simple plan.