spent 7 hours in the library today trying to complete my agenda for today, which was more homework.
productivity was at its peak today and i'm really happy for that!!!
ticked off 3 things from the homework list and yay that's a step closer to whacking that pile down and starting on revision.
150+ days left to a levels, which means only 19 fridays left.
19. wow. that's a scarily surreal number.
don't know if i'll ever make it at this rate i'm going but, i will do my best (screw the school and their nonsense about us merely claiming to put in our best effort)
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i don't know but have you ever felt like you are losing it all?
well i do.
it's like suddenly everything is so difficult, so hard-pressed, so insane.
i feel like i'm losing sight of where i'm headed, and not only so, but i feel like i'm like i'm losing myself, as a person too.
i can feel my personal self eroding; i am so tired of doing things for people when sometimes they don't really appreciate it.
i think sometimes i really spend too much time on stupid things.
stupid things that aren't even worth my time and effort.
maybe i value love too much.
not that kind of romantic love but the caring love.
the kind that you find joy in seeing someone else happy.
but why?
i'm slowly losing the motivation to carry on, to continue to be that encourager.
obviously i am not having it any easier myself, but i'm human too, and i get tired as well.
is it wrong for me to need that bit of encouragement too?
seriously the only reason why i am frantically typing everything here is because i think everyone is as equally bogged down by their own set of problems to be even caring about mine.
what's more it's such a crucial year of a's, who the shit will care about emotions?
it is really both a blessing and curse to feel everything so, so deeply.
and i really wished i could emotionally detach myself from people and things.
but i can feel it coming already, this change.
i'm starting to feel like i can always be alone.
i'm slowly accepting the times of solitude and quietness when i'm alone.
one half of me is saying that but yet another half is silently whispering to me otherwise.
am i even making any sense so far? i think this stress is seriously getting into my head.
i'm sorry to my family whom i kinda expressed my dissatisfaction rather strongly at, whom have always been worried about my whereabouts because i keep disappearing out to study in the day and only returning at night.
i'm sorry i am such a selfish individual that only knows how to put my own interests first (i.e. studies and friends) and all you guys can do is to watch me be set free by my own desires.
i'm sorry that i haven't been spending a lot of time at home, but really, studying outside is really the best for me.
i'm sorry that i have always been such a letdown as much as i try. i know you never blame me for not producing results and even just affirm me for simply doing my best, but honestly the amount of time and devotion and encouragement you have lavished on me isn't proportional to the kind of results i am producing and seriously i can't help but feel like i am a letdown.
i'm sorry to my friends if i haven't been the best one around, that i haven't been someone worthy of your time and company.
i'm sorry that i don't know how to help you all when you guys need help, i myself am at a loss, if i can't even save myself how am i going to help you?
i'm sorry for being this much of a failure in life, i don't even know what i'm good at.
there are people out there who are capable at something; they can dance, they can sing, they can cook, they can draw, they can play an instrument, they can do something at least, with their lives.
and then you have me over here who doesn't seem to have a direction in life.
there's really nothing i can do exceptionally well.
i don't know what is hampering my footsteps in dreaming big and achieving it.
i guess i lack some confidence and that i am always held back by my emotions.
i am TT__TT so much right now i don't even know where to begin again.
but i will always bear this in mind.
let this be the hope that shall anchor my soul.
