settling down

it's been about 2 days since i've last returned from the land of kimchi.
i'm still busy sorting out my photos and unpacking my loots...

don't worry i'm drafting posts about seoul already.
moving on to day 3 pretty soon so wait for my posts!!!!
i'll do it in batches so hopefully i don't hold up my posts for too long.

pardon me for i have 30kg of luggage and 2866 photos to deal with.
and i'm not exactly feeling very :-) to be back yet....
post-holiday blues are the worst ugh.

anyway i finished exo next door last night and i was crying buckets.

check out my rants on twitter - ugh it was so heartbreaking to watch.

ok time to go pack more stuff.

gotta cease blogging for the night bc gotta wake up early (by early i mean 9am LOL) tmr partly due to air-con servicing oh sighpie.

AND SCREW MY CORK BOARD FELL FLAT ONTO MY TABLE BECAUSE THE STRING GAVE WAY.

brb crying more buckets

zzzz

love and marriage and other unimportant crap

i questioned myself a little bit deeper today about the idea of love and being in a relationship.

well it all started because i encountered a couple (maybe they aren't romantically together but nonetheless) today at the bistro while working.
they were a normal couple who popped by the place for a drinking session, and were in high spirits in the early evening.

even all the way as the day came to a close, the amount of beer they ordered was proportional to their level of happiness.

they seemed really engaged with each other's conversations and treated me really politely too. (hehe thank you i appreciate customers like that)

however when midnight fell, they suddenly got into a heated argument and raised voices at each other every so often.

i don't know what they were bickering over but i only knew that what i witnessed was something so drastic - a happy day that ended off on an ugly note.

but the catch is that the guy at the table was pretty calm and collected and he kept quiet most of the time.

while i was wiping the cutlery dry, i thought to myself - love is burdensome.

i definitely do agree that women are unpredictable creatures, like we have sporadic temperaments that explode unexpectedly.

even we can't predict when our inner bomb would explode. (at least for me)

so what does love encompass? finding the other half who will appease you is definitely not easy.

i'm quite curious as to how sparks fly between two individuals honestly.

is there an unexplained scientific theory that i'm unaware of?

even i find my own temper unbearable, what more a guy out there who will tolerate all my tantrums?!

as my friends all know i've always wanted to marry but not have kids.

putting the point of having children aside, staying single was primarily my greatest fear that i ever so feared would happen to me when i grow older.

i didn't want to be left on the shelf (as they always say), and find someone whom i could entrust my life to.

but then now i feel like getting married is something i would fear completely now.

maybe not completely, but you get the idea that the tables have turned for me.

a girl who was once engulfed by the fear or singlehood is now secretly wishing that she wouldn't get married in the future.

i don't know, i think i've built so many barriers around myself that it's hard to get to really know me and who i am.

through my constant introspection on an almost daily basis, i notice how i don't click with guys that easily.

i notice how i can barely sustain a conversation for more than 2 minutes with a guy.

i notice how i always keep to myself whenever i'm thrown into a place full of guys.

is the girls' school upbringing getting into me too much?

i don't know.

somehow i recently just don't like the idea of being tied down by someone, and the thought of marriage somehow scares me because i am forced (or should i say because of chemistry) to leave my life in the hands of another human being whom i have... not exactly known all my life.

how do sparks fly so instantly when two people of mutual affection meet????

this is something i would not understand.

call me young and raw, but honestly love is something that i will never get to understand unless i experience it myself (which i have semi-given up on my hopeless love life and decide to be a fatty couch potato who is single for life)

somebody please enlighten me, how do you know you love someone?

is it when you are exceptionally nice to him? but i treat all my guy friends around me the same as how i treat my girl friends. (gender equality advocate here yo)

some people have told me that because i am this nice to the people in my social circle that guys may often misinterpret my actions as a subtle romantic interest.

but well... that's just how i am.

i just feel a subconscious need to treat everyone around me wholeheartedly.

if i give a 100% to a friend i will do the same to the others too.

so when i say i mail out letters to my guy friends for my pre-enlistment i do it for ALL my (closer) guy friends.

hahahaha love is so complicated it's funny.

definitely something i won't understand lol.

but for now - the only form of love i know is:

YES YOU R MY QTPIE FOREVER HOHOHO 3 MORE DAYS BEFORE I GET TO STEP INTO YOUR HOMELAND OH YEAH BB



^ my jam for the day hehe enjoy

don't let (life) dull your sparkle

so i realised i haven't really been giving my 101% to blogging something that's meaningful and read-worthy.
no i will not let my linguistic sentiments hit rock bottom right now, i need to revive the spirit of writing fervently!!!!!!!!!!! *throws celebratory confetti*
and that's mainly because there is zero hype in life right now.

so for the past month, i haven't actually really been up to anything interesting.
well, except for the intermittent job-hopping and occasional shopping sprees.
i think as everyone knows, i quit my internship at my fomer web design company for clear-cut reasons.
well, i actually really enjoyed my job because i did a lot of writing and it honestly offered me a decently competent challenge to stretch my creativity to the fullest potential to think about what to write each new day.
i really enjoyed doing corporate profile write-ups for various companies and generating smooth-tongued catchphrases for advertising purposes.
i actually picked up pretty basic yet useful photoshop skills during my attachment too!

when my company actually finally launches their new website - i'll do some free advertisement for them here and claim credit for all the writing that i've done inside heehee. (but it's true - that was my fruit of hard work after 2 months)

so after i fulfilled my 2-month internship, i had the thought of staying on to work at a part-time hourly rate, just like those admin workers at the offices.
as i mentioned in an earlier post, it was unfortunate that the pay didn't live up to my expectations and hence i quit the job!!
it was kind of a pity because i really liked what i was doing.
but i knew i had to be fair to myself - i had to balance passion and pragmatism on a fine line.
so i did myself an unsolicited favour and left.
may consider freelance back there again even after i start uni who knows?



that marked the start of my unemployment for 2 weeks.
and it truly did feel weird because i was so used to a stable income (not substantial though i was still earning more than i spent) and having something to do every single day.
sounds robotic but i did miss having a systematic lifestyle to lead because honestly, with that 2 weeks i did nothing productive, and everything else the opposite.
up till now, all the things that i promised to do after a's - making my 2016 planner, getting up to exercise (hey no wait i semi-fulfilled this) daily (ok wait no) and whatnot are still left unchecked off the list.
basically in summary i spent that 2 weeks of unemployment watching too much running man, fangirling excessively about exo, sleeping like snorlax and well, trying to find a new job.
wow ewww, i actually feel slightly revolted at myself thinking about my indolence then.
what subliminal aversion towards myself lol.

actually i was quite hesitant about working because i was going to fly in a month's time then so i felt
then there was no pressing need to search for work to kill time.
and that brings me to my next point about the only hype/sparkle/excitement/wow factor in my life: my korea trip!!!!!!



god knows how excited i am to be flying in about 2 weeks time. :-)
i have been researching all day every day about seoul since december, and finally, my trip is happening in real life!!!!!!!!!
going to temporarily migrate - as i ineptly call it - to seoul for 17 days in may and i'm actually quite excited.
(i think even vanessa is put off by my overly enthused vibes that i'm radiating everytime i see her, oops)
when i come back rejuvenated from wanderlust, i promise i'll deliver detailed posts coupled with good photos ok?
17 days doesn't sound very long for a super effective therapeutic getaway but then again, spending more than 2 weeks in foreign land... homesickness is inevitable :-(
#seoulfarseoulgood is happening right here right now!!!!!!! (don't laugh at my cheesy hashtag, friends)
D-14 leggo!

okay anyway back to the mundane realities of life - so i am employed now and i just finished my first week of work at a salad bar!!
i didn't really expect much out of this job, the only reason why i initially agreed to work was because they were really in need of people (and partially also because i've always wanted to try working in a salad bar/cupcake shop)
but ultimately i conceded because the pull factor of a warm and fun-loving environment struck me.

my first week at work went pretty well and i must say, the people there are really amazing.
it's a pretty relaxing job i would say, and i felt that this was the place for quintessential domestication ;)
i actually really learn a lot about the kitchen and ingredient preparation, and how to use a lot of the tools.
being an undomestic goddess (like sophie kinsella, oh what deadly influence she has left upon me by indulging in too many of her books oh no), i learnt how to differentiate between a blender and juicer, how to cut pumpkins (holy my arms ache bc it's so tough), how to operate that darned can opener that i have struggled with for years and etc.
so i actually enjoy the exposure i get here in the salad bar.
i'm still in the midst of mastering the art of wrap-making because i am an extreme loser when it comes to stuffing vegetables and its many friends snugly into its outerwear (but an ultimate winner when it comes to eating).
week 1 at work is down and wow, surprisingly i am starting to feel repulsive at the thought of romaine lettuces......
never mind that, i'm just thankful i haven't really caused much of a debacle in the kitchen.
well, exclude the times when i dropped the blender full with carrots and when i absentmindedly added onions into a customer's order when he specifically refused that tear-inducing vegetable...
week 2 of daily work is awaiting me but i know i'll pull through thanks to great companionship! (yay for the familiar faces yx and janice and the new friends i've made)

about to start my tutoring job next week too and guess what, my nightmare is coming true.
the subject i feared most at a levels that left me with abysmal scars is charging right back at me again - chemistry T_T
hopefully i can still cope well enough with the secondary school syllabus...
gotta keep reading up again tomorrow and it's time to revisit the ten-year-series as a good old pal once more.

i am an unlucky girl.

yes, to cut the long story short (because this irritating blogger mobile app really sucks and did not save my post), i am a rare online shopper who just so happened to pop by the zalora store, spent $40, then minutes later i received a flashy email with bizarre gory colors saying:

i think i nearly died........ i seriously just...

yup so i went for browsing round 2 and forked out another $50 to buy more clothes ugh.

so yes that day i earned about $40 but i spent almost $100.

so much for practising prudence -_-

but anyway i can't wait for the clothes to come!!!!!! 

will blog about them when they arrive :-)

oh oh oh!

recently decided (more like i was forced to) to pick up reading.

yes friends you heard that right, I'M READING!!!!!

because i made a little promise to xh that i would pick up reading if i successfully made it into linguistics.

with great power(ful) (statements) comes great responsibility.

so here's to my first book in god-knows-how-long, wordwatching!

yes that was me in a coffee shop a few days back - reading.

picked this out from the library specially a few weeks back because it seems really relevant to my future course of study.

wordwatching is about a man who loves words so much he's inventing his own and trying all ways and means to have them officialized in the dictionary! and so his adventure begins.

(let's see how my adventurous promise of reading will turn out, it's still too early to say)

yup, after i've dramatized my once-unimaginative life, i think that's pretty much i have for the post today.
my schedule for the week ahead is packed to the brim and i don't even want to think about anything else right now :(
the only thing that'll keep me going is probably the pocket money i'll earn for the month that might just be enough to fund a little of my shopping tendencies in korea.
this year i actually finally understand the true meaning of labour day hohoho.

time to go now, i'll update this space again soon!
probably before i fly.

one last piece of advice - if you feel like you've lost your sparkle in life, find one.
just like how i did.



see you kids real soon. ;)

linguistics, here i come!

so i just wanted to give a little heads-up about what it's been like for my academic journey since i received my a level results...
who knows a freshie as a potential linguistics student in need of advice next year will stumble upon this and benefit greatly like how i did from jamiemermaid! :)

going straight to the point, i received my a's results on 3 march and well i didn't do exceptionally fantastic.
but then again i wasn't very disappointed because i know how much effort i've put in considering the fact that i really developed a strong dislike for science subjects that i studied in jc.
given my deep hatred for the sciences, i think my results were considerably reasonable for me to enter a local university.
i definitely don't have the wide variety of choices that the 80 rank-pointers are entitled to, but i was content because i think i did fairly okay for me to get into linguistics :-)

now on to university applications....
i didn't really put much thought into it because i kinda knew what i wanted both before and after i received my results.
to cut the long story short, i only applied for nus and ntu - smu had zero courses that i was interested in.
to be more specific, smu's fass courses didn't appeal to me one bit.
so i applied strictly for nus and ntu's fass.

a few weeks later ntu dropped me an email and phoned me up saying that i got shortlisted for the linguistics interview!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was quite sudden bc it was only a short 2-day notice before the interview.
i was so excited and when the day came, i was pretty nervous because i turned up late at the venue...
i reached ntu on time but i legit got lost in the huge campus of ntu and was late by about 15mins.
please learn from me: REPORT STRAIGHT TO THE COLLEGE OF HUMANITIES AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND NOT WANDER OFF TO SOME MAGICAL BUILDING CALLED INNOVATION CENTRE
wth was i thinking to have even thought the interview there - i must have been really hit by the nerves.
good job man.
when i arrived they quarantined a group of 8 of us in a meeting room to do a written test.
as what i've read from previous interviewees, the written test is basically just a simple assessment of your basic english ability.
they weren't really looking out for your arguments like they did in gp, it was just more of like a check to see if you could write in complete sentences structured appropriately.
so previous years i read had questions related to singlish and bilingualism pop up, so i read a huge load of it beforehand...
but guess what, a question about animals and language surfaced on my interview day -_-
sighpie the topic i shunned just had to appear for the test :(
so i just wrote whatever that came to my mind and filled up the one page that i was given in 30mins.
a word of advice - there's not much time for planning a draft so just forget about trying to write out an essay plan bc you'll really be busy trying to bomb all the points down on the paper.

next, on to the actual interview itself.
because i came late i was pushed to the back as the last interviewee.
i was quite nervous bc i was scared that they'd mark me down for latecoming which would make my chances of entering very slim.
the candidates who took their turn before me were quite nice and there was much mutual encouragement :)

so i entered the professor's office and wow, it was a nice little square room that housed all his work.
it was cozy and it was so not like what i expected (a solemn job interview setting).
instead i sat beside his desk like we were good friends having a really casual chat.
he asked me a few questions about singapore and even myself, about the languages that i spoke at home.
i even introduced the professor to play quizup and try the english category :P
he seemed quite excited by it and said that he would check it out (hopefully he did!)
we had quite a good chat and he even told me more about himself and how he ended up in the field of linguistics too despite being a science student.
the professor was really nice and attentive towards all the responses that i was giving, he listened really patiently and even added on to keep the conversation going.
he really made me feel like linguistics was such a pride of place!!!!
at the end of the interview, he told me "hope to see you in august!" with a bright smile :-)

so the day ended off like that and for the next few days i awaited for my interview results anxiously.
i usually don't pick up calls from unknown numbers but this time round i was eager with anticipation to receive such a call...
i constantly refreshed my inbox to check if i received any email too but to no avail...

but guess what, the best surprise came on monday! (my interview was held on a friday)
ntu dropped me an email to check the updated results of my admission and so i did.
i logged in and guess what i found?

THANK YOU NTU ASDFGHJKL

WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS HOW GRATEFUL I FEEL

I GOT INTO LINGUISTICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think personally that's what actually really mattered for me in the whole process of taking a's.

i never had high expectations of myself and this was probably the only reason and aim i had in mind to get through the hellhole in jc.

and i finally did it :-)

so happy!!!!

after 12 years i actually like something that i'm studying.

on a side note i didn't get into nus fass, so..... idk whether it's a good or bad thing.

i don't really like the environment in nus and the way the system works as well so i guess i have one less problem and dilemma to worry about.

nus offered me science though, but no way in the world am i going to lose myself in the whirl of detailed molecular deciphering and alien formula again.

SO NTU LINGUISTICS, HERE I COME.

see you on 3rd august!

hello

just dropping by for a quick update!!!
hello hello to my little blog whom i haven't seen in a month plus again.
don't worry i didn't forget about you.

don't really have much to tell you guys about actually.
been really preoccupied with work most of the time so life is pretty mundane.
did i mention before that i really like my job rn because i get to do something i enjoy?
so yes i'm currently intern-ing at a small web design/e-commerce company and hopefully i'll move on to part-timing at an (increased) hourly rate...
really like my job but if the pay persists i guess i'm just gonna call it quits.

so yeah there's honestly nothing really nice to talk about my life rn except for the fact that i'm working...
oh yes and may is the month to look forward to because korea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so damn excited omg.

and guess what i've become hooked onto exo.
do kyungsoo is bae.
yes ok bye.

this was a completely rubbish post.

kyungsoo gif appreciation post

^ last one because the bib was cute

praying so damn hard that the 237 photos of kyungsoo/kai photos i've just saved can all fit into my (low memory) phone

but they deserve the space y'know

2015 thus far

heyyyyyyyyyyy.

2015's been a pretty fulfilling year so far but i kinda like the feeling.

it's a different kind of busyness that you feel and hence the adrenaline rush you get from being packed feels pretty rewarding.

i guess i've been trying a lot of new things this past month.

be it work-wise or leisure time, i guess life does have its perks now :)

i've been trying out many jobs and i think i kinda ruled out many of my future career options already.

and here they are.

1) any outdoor job

any of such that requires a decent amount of walking and fitness - please don't you ever come and find me. i hate any sort of things that have got to do with physical fitness. i nearly died on the job of "forest-trekking" and i am quite thankful i ceased my outdoor work. it definitely isn't my cup of tea as you all know.

2) marketing

i'm not the kind with the best verbal persuasion skills around and i'm not too fluent in conversational chinese. i just don't really have that extra "aha!" when it comes to promoting a good. furthermore it would be hard for an introvert like me to survive this kind of environment. though i am inclined towards written english but speaking it is a different story especially when it comes to convincing others. guess i'd be trampled over and out in this field so no thanks.

3) f&b/service

i wouldn't wanna venture into this industry in the future unless i'm running the place itself. i don't think i would enjoy work if i had to endure a mediocre pay that didn't put my brain to good use. i'm not too good with common-sensical things and i tend to forget how to physically operate things too. i don't have a knack for hands-on things so getting me to fix this and that with my hands just somehow doesn't connect with my brain. f&b and the service line requires a hell lot of physical fitness too - which is something i kinda lack. it's not that i don't enjoy holding a meaningful yet casual conversation with customers, but to do something like this everyday would mean that my brain will probably degenerate quicker than usual. i like interacting with people but not too much. introverts meh.

so yup. after all the jobs that i've undertaken the past month, i've certainly ruled out/will avoid venturing into these areas in the future.

it's not a form of complaint about my previous jobs but rather just an introspective self-evaluation that everyone needs to have occasionally.

i think post-tertiary education is a great time to explore all the career options available out there.

post-tertiary education is really the time of transition between academics and work, between spending and saving, between time and money.

i think this period has endowed me with many amazing opportunities to learn something out there that the classroom could never teach me.

such learning though, can be much riskier than the conventional pen-and-paper tests back in schools, but it's so much more experiential and enriching.

you learn so much more out of each new thing you embark on and i think sometimes it teaches you not just about your surroundings (and the true world), but you also begin a self-discovery journey along with yourself.

sometimes i guess sticking to your primitive comfort zone isn't entirely good.

let 2015 be the year to try new things and learn great lessons!

trying new things.

i cannot forget about - trying new music.

ever since sec 3 my love for dbsk has died down and i've never once returned to the world of k-pop.

i've always been an intermittent being of the k-pop realm who is constantly phasing in and out of it.

nothing beats classic english songs but sometimes your inner self wants to search for an alternative and there it is - k-pop.

honestly i think people who diss k-pop are quite stupid.

okay it's not that i am a holy saint who has never once insulted k-pop but seriously give it a chance.

you know how people always say that the world is so huge that you'll definitely find a place for yourself?

same goes to the k-pop world, you'll definitely find something that suits your taste.

i mean what's so bad about it.

okay maybe some really can't sing or that the music is so auto-tuned and computerized it doesn't even sound authentic anymore.

but i think you gotta give credit to k-idols (and maybe even any artiste out there) for their superb, synchronized and almost robotic dancing skills.

music will always be music, it is a universal language transcending all language barriers.

i think 2015 really made me open my eyes to see why i have "fallen back into the bottomless pit of k-pop again".

to put it in a positive perspective, it's not just about the same-old mindless fangirling and obsession, but rather, embracing a whole new world of music and opening my eyes to experience a tantalizing, flavourful culture. :-)

(ON A SIDE NOTE, EXO IS AMAZEBALLS. I SWEAR. IT'S LIKE THESE 12 DANCING AND SINGING GODS DESCENDED FROM HEAVEN OUT OF NOWHERE)

(growl is my favourite choreography omg what even this madness ^)

okay i shall not get carried away and start spitting out excessive fangirl lingo.......... so bye for now!!!

internship tomorrow yay i'm really happy :-))))))))))))

looking forward to work is probably one of the best things in life that can happen to you.

KYUNGSOO'S HEART-SHAPED LIPS DATS RIGHT :-)))))))))

goodbye 2014, hello 2015

this is a freaking freaking belated post (that i never posted till now) about my brief thoughts on the old and incoming years.
going to keep it short and sweet and hopefully not too naggy.

2014
one word to sum up my year of happenings would probably be 'introspective'.
the previous year had been one naught with challenges and glut with difficulty, but i think what made me survive throughout was a lot of careful thought and planning on the inside.
over the course of this year i think i became a lot more introverted and somehow i've closed up my shell towards the entire world out there.
i spoke a lot less but what went on in my mind was really crazy.
surviving the year was not easy but i guess my half-sane thoughts tided me through along with my dearest friends.

2015
not feeling very resolute this year so i'll give the "New Year Resolutions" a miss.
this shall be the year where i learn the true meaning of freedom.
i'm going to make this year the time of my life, to enjoy to the fullest and have no regrets.
put it in online slang and you get "yolo", but what i really want to draw from the end of the year is to be happy and thankful under any circumstances of life.

let this year be a spectacular one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

post-a's + post-midnight

it's been a really long while since i updated my blog and it seems like if i don't do so soon, i'm going to lose touch with this avenue of writing, which i obviously don't want to happen.
i really like to write about things that i feel strongly about but then again i'm generally a really lazy person so it takes me a lot of willpower to get down to doing something.

a month has passed since a levels ended and i'm not sure if my post-a's euphoria and ecstasy was something i imagined to be like this.
i never pictured freedom to be something so.... bitter-tasting as this.
it is not exactly bitter, but rather a tasteless drug that occasionally releases bouts of bitterness.
post-a's hasn't been the most exciting and neither has it been the most anticipated moment of my life.
sure, i'm free from my studies but life never comes easy as always.
it is so much less enticing now given the whole irony of a "quiet freedom".
my life is pretty much revolving around nothing but running man, maple, work, and occasional movies.
i rarely go out now or meet up with friends despite my level of freedom after the exams right now.
call me lazy or what but i don't like to initiate things so i guess this passiveness is going to kill me someday somehow hahaha.
i feel like i'm gradually becoming a boxed-up introvert cum couch potato who is gradually losing touch with all her friends one by one.
it's sad that our generation relies on whatsapp so much that i'm losing the human touch.
call me heartless but i don't exactly look forward to any outings of any sort anymore. (any has been repeated purposely for emphasis)
i no longer feel the happiness inside of me that i once did; the times when i got to hang out with the people i really loved.
all i wish is to stay at home (which i clearly know i will degenerate into a useless piece of trash soon and hence isn't beneficial for me) and do absolutely nothing.
somehow, i am craving for something less sought after - and that is prized family time.
after starting work, not only has it taught me that you gotta slog your guts out for money, but also how precious time is.
time is such a confusing concept.
it's funny how time passes really slowly when you're bored (at work), but during times like these my mind wanders off to think about all the precious family time that has diverged away towards a commitment of holding a job.
and it definitely makes me miss home a little more.
never will you find the same warmth and sense of acceptance at home anywhere else and neither will you ever find a greater source of comfort and love elsewhere.
sometimes i think humans are really silly creatures for everything we do is done in comparison.
only when we are put outside of our comfort zone will we realize how blessed we are.
only when we are thrown into a worse-off place will we understand what a good life we lead.
i'm currently standing on the edge and contemplating over certain matters (no definitely not suicide) but i hope i'll think through things and not act upon my emotions like i always do.

sometimes i also can't believe i'm already 18, or should i say, i'm only 18.
i'm already 18 - i've been through so much. i've seen so much of this world i'm starting to lose faith in humanity as i grow in age. 18 years of a roller-coaster ride that is life has definitely put me through the best and worst times. but i guess the best part of it all is knowing that i'm never alone though sometimes i fail to realize that.
but then again, i'm only 18.
the world is only slowly unravelling itself to me. 18 years have passed but i have a long life ahead of me to lead, just when i think the world is already as ugly as it is, things start tumbling downhill and they just get even uglier. i know i still have a lot to learn and see, i've a really long way to go. but i guess the best part of it all is knowing that i'll meet new people and new faces who will probably change my perspective on things or impact me in some way or another.

it's terrifying, isn't it?
that we are living in this cold, contemptuous world filled with so much of greed and hatred.
it's scaring so much that sometimes i feel i'm losing myself and who i really am.
a year ago, or at least a month ago, i loved doing things for others and basked in our shared happiness.
but the now me suddenly just wants some alone time, for myself to just barely stay alive (figuratively).
don't know if i'm growing old or growing up but i am lacking so much in passion right now i don't think it's really healthy for me.
what is a life devoid of love and fiery passion.

for now, i guess i'll just take things as they come and let that inner passive voice of mine from within overwhelm me for the time being.
until the time when i figure is right for me to emerge from my shell, renewed in strength and vigour.
on a really irrelevant and somewhat utopian side note, i am still dreaming about my not-too-impossible getaway to korea for 30 days.

really hoping that i'll get the chance to do the above stated.
that's one to go on my bucket list.

okay i seriously need to end this post soon.
it's flooding with so much negativity i don't know if it's within one's capacity to take.
since i don't like to end off posts on a sad note, here's to hoping for better days ahead. xx

(happy belated christmas to all you random people out there reading this (^・ω・^ ))

quick update

75% done with a's and hence i'm back for a quick while.

i'll try to keep this short.

i don't know why but i feel like i've been thinking a lot recently.

despite a's being my biggest priority now, when darkness falls and it's past midnight, that's when the weird thoughts start creeping in.

i've always been a night-person, i love staying up late.

be it to talk to others, to play games or to watch shows (studying is an exception), night time is always the best.

so recently i found a quote on twitter that said:
"you have to find the right distance between people. too close, and they overwhelm you, too far and they abandon you."
many people have said that i'm a "sociable" person, that i have a really wide social circle and i have many good friends.

to be honest i personally feel otherwise.

honestly, i'm not the nicest kind of person you'd first meet because i always give off this bloody long fml face. 

neither am i a social butterfly who says hi to the people i kinda know but then again don't know.

but i would seek comfort in the fact that i have quite a few close friends whom i am entirely comfortable with.

however i don't know how long these friendships will last, because from past experience, i'm never good with sustaining relationships with others.

not that i don't want to, and in fact i really want to develop long-term relations, but sometimes i just don't know how to go about doing it.

not that i am doubting my friends as individuals but sometimes i feel i can't handle things well enough for a long-term friendship to develop.

coming to jc made me realize what a bitch i am actually. 

how is it that my friendships with guys and girls fail to turn out nicely in the end?

does the fault lie with me?

i don't know but sometimes i really doubt myself.

and i hate it that sometimes my impulses get the better of me.

just when i thought things became better, there are just some things about a person that will never change huh?

control, jamie, control.