the perks of solitude

recently been going out everyday, alone, to the library just to get work done.
really gotta get down to focusing on my work this holidays and i guess some sacrifices have to be made.
it was not entirely an easy decision for me to head out all on my own to concentrate on my work; it really took me so much willpower to do everything from waking up at 8am in the morning just to reach the library early to get a good seat, having lunch and dinner alone, gathering the guts to camp at starbucks this once, and basically just learning to be independent.
come on, i'm a 17-year-old, it's high time i ought to learn to do certain things in solitude or just learn to be alone.
and i've come to realize that it isn't such a bad idea after all.
i actually really enjoy studying alone because i get the quiet time to myself and i actually have the space, freedom and independence to do whatever i want.
kinda hate meeting people to study not because there is a risk of distractions, but more of the fact that because i am never punctual and then that guilt that follows straight after being late is just ....
i don't have to be tied down by time and seriously, it becomes an own-time-own-target kinda situation, which i like because i don't perform under pressure, at all. this lesson i have clearly learnt at o's.
being alone also means that i get the freedom to decide where i want to go and what i want to eat.
it sometimes is tiring to accommodate one another and really, being around with people would mean that your work efficiency would be cut by more than half. (tried and tested)
it's like that day (or rather many days) i've studied alone at bedok nlb, decided swiftly on lunch and returned to the library in 30 mins.
maybe the speed that i ate at was hastened too partly because i'm alone and sometimes your belongings being left unattended might not be entirely safe.
but still that is an evident plus point of mugging outside on my own.
also, i like to set out a list of things to do for that day and get it done no matter what, and sometimes it really irks me whenever i cannot finish that checklist because there will always be that one, last anal question on organic chemistry you just don't feel like doing or that damn math paper that you've attempted but left almost half of it blank (and you can't really consider it to be "done" because of the mountain load of blanks you've left)...
but now when i'm out alone i kinda always adhere to this timing of packing up at 4pm.
packing up at 4pm means that gives me a buffer time of 1 hour to go wherever i want to and do whatever i want.
last i checked, i went to walk around bedok mall and grabbed some clothes and i also borrowed a couple of books from the library since i didn't really want to head home that early (well that's an absolute first for me).
once i get home i'd stick to my usual daily pilates routine and then go for a 30-min jog around my neighbourhood! :-)
it sounds like a really ideal plan and i hope that i can stick to this for the week ahead.
we're down to the final week of the one-month break and once school starts, shit is going to get real.
really real.
going to make the very best out of this one week and catch up with whatever that i've lost midway.
it's might not be an easy battle but i know i will fight my hardest.
in the end it all boils down to you, alone, and how well you will tackle this common enemy of ours.
so i guess it's baby steps towards solitude, and just learning to do shit alone.
by the way i am not trying to blow my trumpet about this being some super effective, foolproof "schedule" of mine and that you'll think with this "motivation" of mine i am going to be so driven forward and "definitely going to produce some standard of results".
no i did not intentionally create this kind of expectation of me that you might start to have, because all i know is that this new routine is helping me so much more.
not in terms of academics because i cannot guarantee straight a's because i am obviously lacking in some capacity of intelligence, but the fact that i am becoming a happier person.
i guess i've found the way to get work done without becoming stressed or pressured by the fact that the content is immense.
i'm making time for life and the things i like to do (i.e. watching running man every night and fangirling because kwangsoo hehehe).
i'm pretty sure there is more to life than mere studying, so just don't think too much, and everything will turn out fine. xx
keep going guys we're all in this together ;-)

this hope shall anchor my soul

spent 7 hours in the library today trying to complete my agenda for today, which was more homework.

productivity was at its peak today and i'm really happy for that!!!

ticked off 3 things from the homework list and yay that's a step closer to whacking that pile down and starting on revision.

150+ days left to a levels, which means only 19 fridays left.

19. wow. that's a scarily surreal number.

don't know if i'll ever make it at this rate i'm going but, i will do my best (screw the school and their nonsense about us merely claiming to put in our best effort)

-

i don't know but have you ever felt like you are losing it all?

well i do.

it's like suddenly everything is so difficult, so hard-pressed, so insane.

i feel like i'm losing sight of where i'm headed, and not only so, but i feel like i'm like i'm losing myself, as a person too.

i can feel my personal self eroding; i am so tired of doing things for people when sometimes they don't really appreciate it.

i think sometimes i really spend too much time on stupid things.

stupid things that aren't even worth my time and effort.

maybe i value love too much.

not that kind of romantic love but the caring love.

the kind that you find joy in seeing someone else happy.

but why?

i'm slowly losing the motivation to carry on, to continue to be that encourager.

obviously i am not having it any easier myself, but i'm human too, and i get tired as well.

is it wrong for me to need that bit of encouragement too?

seriously the only reason why i am frantically typing everything here is because i think everyone is as equally bogged down by their own set of problems to be even caring about mine.

what's more it's such a crucial year of a's, who the shit will care about emotions?

it is really both a blessing and curse to feel everything so, so deeply.

and i really wished i could emotionally detach myself from people and things.

but i can feel it coming already, this change.

i'm starting to feel like i can always be alone.

i'm slowly accepting the times of solitude and quietness when i'm alone.

one half of me is saying that but yet another half is silently whispering to me otherwise.

am i even making any sense so far? i think this stress is seriously getting into my head.

i'm sorry to my family whom i kinda expressed my dissatisfaction rather strongly at, whom have always been worried about my whereabouts because i keep disappearing out to study in the day and only returning at night.

i'm sorry i am such a selfish individual that only knows how to put my own interests first (i.e. studies and friends) and all you guys can do is to watch me be set free by my own desires.

i'm sorry that i haven't been spending a lot of time at home, but really, studying outside is really the best for me.

i'm sorry that i have always been such a letdown as much as i try. i know you never blame me for not producing results and even just affirm me for simply doing my best, but honestly the amount of time and devotion and encouragement you have lavished on me isn't proportional to the kind of results i am producing and seriously i can't help but feel like i am a letdown.

i'm sorry to my friends if i haven't been the best one around, that i haven't been someone worthy of your time and company.

i'm sorry that i don't know how to help you all when you guys need help, i myself am at a loss, if i can't even save myself how am i going to help you?

i'm sorry for being this much of a failure in life, i don't even know what i'm good at.

there are people out there who are capable at something; they can dance, they can sing, they can cook, they can draw, they can play an instrument, they can do something at least, with their lives.

and then you have me over here who doesn't seem to have a direction in life.

there's really nothing i can do exceptionally well.

i don't know what is hampering my footsteps in dreaming big and achieving it.

i guess i lack some confidence and that i am always held back by my emotions.

i am TT__TT so much right now i don't even know where to begin again.

but i will always bear this in mind.

let this be the hope that shall anchor my soul.

concert and cafes

it has been a really hectic month but i have finally cleared mid-years!!!
nothing much to be happy about because the results are pretty damn shit and so is the mood right now.
oh well.
nonetheless i had a great week of post-exam de-stressing sessions and i must say it was a good break that followed from the mye crazies.
this week i visited about 4 cafes and i'm definitely one happy kid now.
really putting the 'hopping' into the much-raved-about 'cafe-hopping' ;)

REAL FOOD



so i visited this place on monday after our holiday lessons with vanessa!
as its name suggests, real food is a place that serves nothing but the best foods because it is prepared with a great deal of passion all in the effort of healthy/green eating.
what makes this place stand out from the rest is that it is a meat-free place, and everything is healthily and carefully prepared with vegetables or flour-based ingredients.
this is the place to visit if you are a conscious eater or either that you want to try eating cleanly for a meal! ;-)
i must say that this place is pretty good because the menu still offers a wide variety of different options ranging from all-day breakfast to sandwiches to main courses like pasta and pizza!
i decided on the kombu shiitake soup with udon while vanessa had dumpling soup with brown rice.
the price was rather pocket-friendly as there was no service-charge (or was it gst ahahaha i forgot) so we paid less than $10 each for what we ate :-)
my soup was pretty bland but i guess that's what you get for wanting to eat really healthily.
but the dumplings were really good and for something that does not contain meat i swear, the juice from the 10-over ingredients in the dumplings just makes it oooh-la-la!!!
and i am not even a fan of dumplings...
so go ahead and pop by real food if you'd like to dine out because this is really a healthier option!

LOLA'S CAFE



not my first time here but tuesday was my virgin try at its desserts and appetisers there with nigel and xiaohui!
ordered their iced mocha; nothing impressive but it was okay because i didn't like my coffee too strong and this one was pretty chocolate-y and bitter rather than aromatic.
so don't try this if you like your coffee thick and strong!!!
the honey wings we shared were so damn good i'm not even exaggerating, it was something unique that i've never tried before and they were pretty generous with the honey so yay!!! :)
the bangers & mash were cooked to perfection especially the potatoes because they were so fresh you could even taste the real potato bits in 'em!
tried the seasalt chocolate tart with coffee cream and yeah this was pretty good because the tart crust and the bitter chocolate went really well together. the cream wasn't too frothy and thick and gross so yay for that!
the lemon meringue tart was rather ordinary to me and i'm not exactly a sucker for those dried lemon peels on top hahaha. tasted pretty weird to me.

popped by again the next day during our 4.5h break to have brunch with jennee, vanessa and gina here!
pretty annoyed because we waited for an hour or so just to get our seats...
but it was rather amusing because we got to judge the people who were sitting outdoors hahaha. #meanshit

wanted to try the mushroom melt for a very long time already so i finally ordered this!!!

LOOK AT THE MUSHROOM, CHEESE AND BRIOCHE BREAD GOODNESS.
i swear the brioche bread is amazing and in fact amazing is an understatement.
the natural sweetness of the brioche accompanied by the salty mushroom and cheese made it so perfect.
the portion is pretty generous and it kept me full for really long and that i didn't even have dinner!
this is really a to-die-for must-try item on the menu and i will definitely return to order this again!!!!!
super super super lip-smacking that you can't get enough.
dreaming of the brioche now.....

BACKSTAGE CAFE



this has become my new favourite place after a long and hard hunt for this!!!
always wanted to try this because i've read really good reviews about it and yay the day finally came!
the menu laid out such a wide spread for us and we were all spoiled for choice.
i ordered the chicken burger thing (top right, can't remember the exact name) for $13 and it seriously exceeded my expectations.
anyway recently i don't know why but i keep ordering burgers though i don't like 'em and the fries but meh i think i'm starting to fall in love with burgers simply because of the bread. :P
so, with the mindset of i-just-want-to-eat-bread-so-i-will-just-buy-the-burger i did not expect that the chicken fillet inside was so tender and delicious!!!!
it was not like the kind of cheap, ground-up meat you'd usually get but i could taste the sweet sauces exploding from the careful marination of the meat!!!
shan't comment on the fries because all fries taste the same to me...
had dessert and tried their rainbow cake as well as the oreo cheesecake.
i really really enjoyed the oreo cheesecake omg it is too good beyond description.
however i feel that the rainbow cake was too dense, or should i say it's aesthetic appeal overran the texture of real sponge cake.
it was a tad too moist and tbh i think any amateur baker can bake a cake better than that.
but yeah, maybe that's what rainbow cakes are; pretty-looking but average-tasting.
definitely going to come back because the place is so peaceful and quiet and actually i didn't wanna write about this place because i secretly don't want it to become popular and lose its ambience ahahahahaha oops.

SETTLER'S CAFE



(okay the photo is inverted but who cares)
tried this on friday in place of shoebox canteen because it was unknowingly closed :(
was a little disappointed because i really wanted to try the shoebox canteen!
settled (ha ha ha) with this alternative; settler's cafe and honestly i didn't regret it anymore ;)
the prices are mad-cheap and students get additional discounts!!!
we paid $25 for 3 people and this was including a main course, soup and drink each.
it's actually a gaming cafe with 600 over games to choose from but the games come at a different rate.
service was thumbs-up as the guy was really friendly and patient with us as we were placing our orders :)
the only setback here is that they don't have much desserts and if they served something like waffles or cakes or tarts i'm sure the sweet-tooth will come flocking in!
overall i really enjoyed this place as the food was really good (the mushroom soup is seriously heaven) and the service was really warm.
going to come back here again on monday!!!!
super good place to just chill-out and catch-up with your pals!

so that's about it for my cafe review.
moving on to the much-anticipated concert that i've been awaiting since mye's!!!

WE THE KINGS - THE ART OF TOUR



decided to buy tickets for the art of tour because i really loved their new album.
art of war never gets old, find you there is my happy pill, sad song is for the times when you are seriously feeling sad, say it now is my occasional need-to-listen-to song and etc.
glad that i managed to here those songs live along with any other way and i like it ;)
they played classics like check yes juliet and skyway avenue too omg :)))
but personally i felt that my $88 was not as well-spent as i thought it would be.
firstly, too much of the singing was left to the crowd.
not a personal attack to the band or anything but, honestly they could do with so much more of their powerhouse vocals rather than leaving it to the audience to spoil by singing it off-pitch.
seriously they have super good voices live but the frequent pauses and amplification of the audience's mesmerized chanting was just too much.
i swear check yes juliet, half the singing was done by the crowd and it was pretty much a big bummer.
really annoying as heck too because the crowd was a piece of rowdy shit.
the people were generally of a younger age group than ours and some were rude as shit and shouted like a bitch at the people around.
oh hell no this is a concert it is so not normal for the pushing to happen -_-
i swear i wanted so much to slap some of these people...
furthermore i was just this close to witnessing a physical cat fight between a group of girls who were fighting over the drumstick that they threw.
yeah i know you are a diehard crazy fan and that i'm not, but seriously all that pushing and shouting was seriously uncalled for.
all your reputation has gone down the drain, girl.

secondly, the acoustics were LEGIT SHIT.
the venue was quite crappy (it was at the coliseum) and also i think because the sound crew screwed up a lot.
so much for trying to fine-tune the drums and guitars but honestly it was quite pissing because the drums and bass were way too heavy.
it completely drowned out the vocals and the videos i recorded, you can't even hear travis singing.
i know you shouldn''t record videos as it'll spoil the mood but seriously, you can't even hear travis' voice live.
all you can hear is the overweighted pounding of the drums which seriously gave me a headache.
sighpie.
maybe because i've been to simple plan's concert (which was bloody bloody good) that's why i've raised the bar for my expectations this concert.
oh well.

nonetheless i do not mean any offence but honestly if the acoustics were better balanced the concert would have been perfect.
not depriving we the kings of their amazing talent live, but really, everything dampened all thanks to the poor sound management.
but i still had a good time anyway, and thank you we the kings for being here in singapore to deliver the best concert that you could have :-)

"without you i feel broke, like i'm half of a whole.

without you, i've got no hand to hold.

without you i feel torn, like a sail in a storm.

without you, i'm just a sad song."

xoxo