random thoughts

(not of much relevance but this photo is so pretty!!!!)

feeling socially, emotionally, and physically empty right now.

so thankful that i don't need to attend school tomorrow, really in need of a desperate break from all the hubbub of school life.

i know that i shouldn't be missing school, but i cannot watch myself fail an exam worth $400.

i will try my best to pass by practising tomorrow morning though deep down i know last-minute work doesn't really help but at least i tried...

anyway.

back to the point.

suddenly my life feels really different in year 2.

i don't think it is because i haven't adapted well to my new surroundings and people, but more of because i have detached myself from most social circles.

i used to believe that it was always good that you were surrounded by company all the time.

it's like you know that there'll always be this group of people who will have your back everytime you fall.

it's like that comforting feeling of solace when you feel socially included.

it's like those moments of heartfelt talks and spoken feelings all spill out because that is just the joy of sharing.

but then now things have changed, or well at least, i have changed.

i would no longer like to believe that being surrounded by people is an ideal situation.

over the course of my college life, my priorities have shifted away from being that someone who was "everyone's friend" to just an ordinary girl.

i used to love socializing, but now i hate it.

i used to love making new friends, but now i hate it. (or rather because i'm bad at it)

i used to love being the "people-person", but now i hate it.

sometimes when they say that when you let more people into your life you are merely inviting in more trouble for yourself, which i can't help but think is true.

problems never exist, they're created by people themselves.

i've actually come to a point in life whereby i finally realize how tiring and dreary it is to actually be the one who tries and makes everyone feel comfortable, to be the one that was 'always there', to be the one who made everyone happy.

call me a selfish person, but i think i am not.

it's just this point in your life whereby you find yourself caught in the middle but now you've made the decision whether to turn left or right.

and i guess that what i've chosen is something that suits my personality.

well i am not the most outgoing person on earth and i lack initiative when it comes to social events.

i'm never the leader, i'm always the follower.

i'm never the active being, i'm always the passive one.

i guess this is really who i am, and i honestly am so tired of being there for everybody all the time.

i can't live up to societal expectations like that all the time, i mean, i'm only human too, right?

maybe i'm growing old and i'm losing all that enthusiasm that i once had, which is pretty sad because i think it came a little too early.

people are going to ask me "why so serious?", but i have an answer for them - circumstances.

it is the circumstances and the experiences that i have undergone that have changed my personality a whole lot i guess.

i mean, i would admit that i still stand firmly by my unwavering morals of being genuine and honest, but i guess the extrovert side of me has taken a step back.

seems like my extrovert and introvert have been fighting a damn war all my life and finally one of them is retreating.

i am really tired of going through the same old vicious cycles that have already been recurring since god-knows-when.

like they always say; fights make friendships stronger, and i always tell myself this:

(which makes a damn lot of sense)

but i can't help it, i have to admit i'm ridiculously tired everytime things go wrong.

i've had enough - and so i've decided for real that no more am i going to be overly attached to people.

in life you only have got yourself to depend on, and no one else.

the road may be tough, and people can walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

so what's the point of having all the friends around you whom you know will leave you one day?

just stand strong, alone.

i can do it.

i must look like a horrible loser to everyone out there because i don't interact with others well anymore (for the simple reason that i don't like to be in the crowd).

oh well, solitude isn't that bad an idea either.

i like the peace and quiet i get though i feel strangely empty on the inside because i still long for someone i can click perfectly with.

where's my soulmate...

ah well, that's not my priority for now.

but sometimes i am so bloody insecure i can't even.

it takes SO MUCH for me to open up right now.

on a side note i really miss being a kid.

i can't believe i am turning legal this year.

18. the big eighteen. seriously?!

so i am almost two decades old and seriously, growing up is incredibly scary.

deep down i actually feel really sad how my time spent with the family is really minimal.

and that everytime i reach home at least one family member of mine is asleep.

growing up... life becomes so hectic you don't even have time for the ones around you.

i missed how i would always spend time at home during the weekends playing board games/going downstairs to the playground/swim/have a simple meal and shop with my family.

kids have all the time in the world and yet they don't know how blessed they are with time.

i guess time is the greatest gift of any age.

with more time i could do so much more - spend time with my family, my friends, sleep, study and just, yeah, accomplish so much more.

i think it's a sad truth that we all have to bring ourselves to accept as we move along with life.

we're spending so much more time with friends rather than family because we take the latter for granted, for we know that they will be there for us all the time.

so we procrastinate, we just shrug off the idea of how important family is to us, and neglect them.

but yet they are the ones who have done everything for you.

oh the irony of it all.

sigh all this blogging and emotional duress is weighing me down literally; having a headache after typing that all.

guess i'll end here and head to sleep.

i made a promise this month that i would turn in before midnight everyday.

and i am trying my best :-)

amidst all the struggles i am facing/will face, i will tell myself to press on because they will only make me wiser and stronger :)

sometimes i really love the positive vibes i get off tumblr

in a mess

i don't even know where to begin blogging.

sorry that i haven't blogged for the past month, really just couldn't find a time to sit down and chill with my laptop.

to say that so much has happened over the past month would be an understatement.

i feel like i just exhausted 10 years of my life because school has been way too tiring i'm barely coping.

it's only been 2 months of school (ok wait for a second i thought it was still january) and i feel like i am on a treadmill working out...

not that i am physically drained but school is so packed i can't even.

i guess the worst part of these 2 months of school is that i am losing focus.

i can barely keep awake for the full hour of any lecture or tutorial i don't even know why.

every lesson i will nod off without fail.

seriously i don't know what is up with me, i just can't pull myself back to reality and the fact that i am already in year 2 is scaring the daylights out of me.

i can't even imagine what is going to happen to me if i continue nodding off.

in year 1 i've already learnt that i should not let things snowball, because in the end i'll be the one suffering.

and it's going to be painful.

but somehow i just can't bring myself to concentrate in class.

all the more that this is my a's year i should be fully awake, but i really really really can't help it.

even people are telling me that all i am either doing in class is "eating sweets (to keep awake)" or "nodding off".

and this is bad.

i've never been this tired before.

i know it is typical of every student to feel like a zombie during lectures and tutorials, and that when it comes to break they're like damn awake.

but in my case it's really bad.

i am obviously absorbing nothing from lectures and tutorials because i am struggling so hard to keep awake. so, so hard.

sometimes i wonder if it is because of the fact that i've been sick and coughing for the past 3 months that's why it is taking a toll on my body now.

my voice is still deep and manly btw hahaha thanks to orientation and all that screaming and cheering.

so i finally resigned to my fate of seeing the doctor tomorrow after sr picnic.

i think this will be my first step to getting back on track with my studies. :)

and hopefully it'll work out well.

with a little discipline and self-control i will do this.

somebody please motivate me :(

anyway tomorrow is our last day of orientation and honestly i'm sooooo sad it's going to be over!!!
5 days of enthusiasm, fun and laughter have passed way too quickly.

would love to have extended orientation but no, the opportunity cost incurred is going to be way too huge i cannot pay for it.

anyway on a side note, i think coming to jc has made me realise much.

everyone here is so caught up with their own issues they barely have time for you.

yeah they say that you come to jc to mug, but honestly, that's quite sad.

even i myself have a load of shit to deal with, i admit i barely have time for the people around me.

my friends and especially my family.

i'm sorry if i've neglected anyone of you all, just give me time to adapt and cope with this stress.

i am terrible at socializing maybe because i have relatively low self-esteem or that i am a natural introvert.

sometimes i really wonder what is with me.

i used to value friendships a lot but now i guess it has taken a backseat.

to be honest now i am confused about my own priorities.

just what exactly is most important to me now?

studies? no, i can't even focus in class and i am doing rly badly for all my pop quizzes lololol because i just don't have the heart to study.

rest? no, i can't even find the time to finish my tutorials and it is worrying to know that i have so much to catch up with because of orientation... how am i going to make up for that 5 hours of bio omg.

argh i don't know.

friends? no. tbh in jc i feel like i am the most unfriendly person on earth. i think i make a really bad ogl/cgl because i'm just so bad at striking conversations or just dancing or just making friends.

sorry if i don't possess the outward qualities a ogl/cgl/friend should, but deep down i really mean nothing but good.

please don't ever doubt me or anything i do because it's done with good intentions.

i'm sorry i can't be perfect or just a little bit friendly because somehow i can't help but think everyone hates me.

#selfesteemissues

i don't even have the mood to do anything now - and i obviously can't get to sleep with all these thoughts bugging me at this hour.

when will i ever sort my life out again?

maybe all i need is a good day off to settle down from all this hustle and bustle and that is life.

time to get some sleep tonight for the final of day of orientation tomorrow!

so excited yet sad that it's all coming to an end.

kudos to everyone for their hard work the past 5 days and the council for all the planning too :-)

#lovesrjc25

yes i can do this.

i will do this.

because music always keeps the soul alive.

thank you simple plan.