i wanted to title this post 'tacenda', but then i realised how much of a contradiction it would have been.
sometimes things are better left unsaid, but now i guess i wanna release some negative energy that has been building up inside of me for a day or so.
sorry that i promised about not having negative posts on my blog, but what's an online diary for if you don't express your inner feelings?
and it's tormenting to hold everything in.
well, i'm not exactly the best at this, but here goes.
i don't know why but recently, i've been feeling rather irked by my ownself.
to be honest i really have no idea what caused this irritation in me (or maybe i do).
it's like there is a self-conflict going on between my head and heart.
since i am an emotionally-driven person, whatever my heart tells me, i will do it.
i'm the follow-your-heart type, but then again my heart never seems to ever tell me the right thing to do, and that's when my head starts to criticize myself and all the flaws that i am gifted (supposedly) with.
you know sometimes i really wished i was a lot less sensitive.
really, screw those emotions, can't i just live without them?
i feel like they're controlling me instead of vice versa.
i don't know how or why but every single little tiny thing that happens around me i get so easily affected.
seriously why?!
stop picking up every single thing and getting so worked up/emotionally affected by it.
and the fact that i am overly attached/easily jealous/unable to let go of shit/really hot-tempered/have mismatched priorities.
stop attaching yourself to friends who will come and go.
stop getting jealous whenever your friends' have broadened social networks.
stop being so petty and hung up on things that are already bygones.
stop flaring up at every single thing you see that doesn't go your way.
stop putting the wrong priorities ahead of what's the most important. (this you should know clearly yourself, jamie)
why jamie why.
there's like this whole list of flaws i can actually come up with about myself, and it's probably never-ending.
guess i've got little self-assurance, that's why i'm feeling this way.
i am such a flawed individual i can't even believe this is me.
it's hard to change this though and tbh i really hate myself a lot for being this damn emotional.
just let me be a cold-blooded creature, can i.
i don't want to be burdened by my own emotions anymore.
i have a lot to ramble on about but no, it is not okay to do it here.
which is another reason why i guess i'm feeling so miserable; i can't find someone i trust enough/who understands me enough for me to unravel everything i have cooped up inside.
i have so much to say but no one's here to listen.
blame myself, for being so hard on things.
but then again, 99% of the people around are glad you actually have these problems.
which leads me to my next point about finding a soulmate.
it is really my wish to find someone who would understand me completely inside out, someone who would accept all my flaws and still adores me for who i am.
it doesn't have to be romantic, but it would be nice if it were.
maybe i've reached the point in life where every girl would dream about what it'll be like to be in love.
it sounds, sweet, and perfect.
no i am not desperately looking for love, because i believe that good things are worth the wait.
if it comes to me, then yeah, i'll receive it with open arms.
if not, i'll just keep waiting; i won't go around finding such a thing on my own.
hopefully the 'wait' wouldn't make things slip away though...
and no, random flings are not my thing.
for now, let me just live in the solace of my music (simple plan's get your heart on - the second coming! has got really relevant songs yet again) and dream of finding my soulmate.
dream on.
