random midnight rant like as though there is no school tomorrow

sometimes people really annoy me.
not that i am infallible and perfect, but seriously people really have issues.
i can't believe i was once intrigued by the study of human behaviour and psychology.
now i'm just like seriously screw you okay, i don't give a damn about anything related to humans and people and mankind and homosapiens because i freaking swear i hate people.
you get it?
i don't HATE anyone in particular okay, but people in general.
how people do things.
how people behave.
how people respond.
how people talk.
how people treat others (of their kind).
how people act.

i swear we humans are nothing but problems.
so much for being the most civilized group of living creatures that inhabit this earth.
sometimes i think even a dog knows how to behave better than humans when given the command.
we prestige ourselves to be the most sophisticated, mannered, poised and whatnot but just look at the kind of behaviours we exhibit ourselves as humans.

first and foremost i think we are seriously selfish.
selfish in the sense that we are so accustomed to thinking that "this world revolves around me and me alone so i am not going to care about the others because as long as i survive that's all that matters".
we can never seem to put others before ourselves (even while typing this very sentence i screwed up the order of typing by accident and out came "put ourselves before others", just proved my point).
nor do we actually make the effort to.
so much for raising ourselves on a pedestal and crowning ourselves with the titles of kindness and compassion when we don't even spare a thought for others when we do things.
it's not entirely radical in that sense, but think about it.
how much are you willing to forgo for someone?
how much are you going to sacrifice for someone?
each person has their own boundaries depending on the person in context, but undoubtedly there is still a line drawn between the distance we will go for someone, no matter how important they are to us.

secondly humans lack respect.
and when i mean respect i mean basic manners like "good morning", "hello", "please" and "thank you".
i admit that i myself am not entirely well-mannered nor am i some prim and proper princess who curtsies to everyone i see out there.
i don't understand why and this is the one thing that infuriates me most about people - the fact that you show no due respect to your own kind.
i mean seriously, i think animals exhibit better behaviour than we do.
do you ever see a puppy barking (or whimpering for that matter) back at its mother?
obviously not right.
i don't know where we got our defiance from, but seriously we are not that cool if you think about it.
being human and humane are so close yet so far apart.
i mean who can't be human? we are ALL human anyway.
but being humane, merely requires the addition of just an 'e', is something we are far from attaining as humans.
our words cut each other like knives slitting through our throats, our actions hurt each other like open wounds after a battle.
who cares a hoot about how we all feel?
"as long as i can live, i will fight my way through, fight for it and fight against them.." - this has become the modern-day adage of humans.
we are so self-centered and disrespectful it disgusts me.
so much for reverence.

thirdly humans are far too extreme.
we come in so many different forms it's never possible to reach a conclusion.
some are too domineering and some are too quiet.
let the domineering bitch conquer you? no way in hell can you ever command the respect of your peers.
let the softspoken little girl conquer you? no way in hell can you ever get things done.
so what??????????
who do i choose?
the fact that it is the natural convention of two extreme sides "yes" and "no".
and in the human world you can only say yes or no with no intermediate in between accepted as an answer.

lastly humans are hypocrites through and through.
and this revolves back to the fact that we are all selfish.
we care about superficial things like our image and all rather than bothering to strengthen the inter-personal bonds.
it's like how friends are just people with common interests.
after you know what it feels like to not have each other for so long you just give up and move on and find someone else new.
sometimes friends are never true friends simply because we depend on each other for that moment in time when we just need "anyone" to be there.
i have such a warped perception of friendship now but who the hell cares.

anyway today i've also learnt that there are some things that are just meant to be.
it's fate you can say, and we shouldn't force things to go against its natural flow.
i believe that what is yours will rightfully be yours.
personally i'm the kind to fight for what i believe is right but not for the things that i think i deserve.
contradictory and sad at the same time.
doesn't really matter i guess because i believe my life has already been planned out for me (i'm not christian btw) and i will just accept, learn, and grow in whatever way i can. xx

count your blessings

it's been so long since i've been here.
amidst the downs of life it is only human to say thank you and be grateful for the little things and the great people who have been there for you throughout.
it might not be anything big but yes it's always these things that matter the most :-)

1) gold for gef 2014

we are so so so blessed :')
no amount of thanks can i put into this because our hard work as individuals and a group have really paid off.
seeing the section practise so hard and coming to where they are today really makes me feel so heartened and growing together as one really made me feel like the hard work for the ensemble is worth it.
especially everytime i think of my section i feel like a proud mom lol.
weird, long-overdue feels but yeah.
exco deserves all the love and appreciation too, for all the effort that they've put in to make gef a success.
our student conductors nigel & jasley deserve great recognition too :-)
and rouz for getting by all sorts of weird happenings during practices (i.e.: STANDards, playing wrong notes etc.) with me :)

^ this is to date my favourite exco photo *inserts hearts for all of you*

thanks guys i love y'all so so so so much :)

it's that same feeling how i know i will always have my excofam behind me whenever i am feeling disheartened.

it's the constant reassurance that i get from you guys that really keep me going in jc despite all the shit that i'm facing (mainly academics).

thank you guys i really appreciate it a lot :')

2) the pl-sr morning gatherings

it may not be big, but thank you guys for starting my mornings right.

it feels weird not to gather with y'all, it's like as though you guys are the last bit of my memories of secondary school.

life really sucks but then again you always know that the fond reminiscence of the past will always ignite that little warmth in your heart to fuel you to get through the daily motions of mundaneness.

i hope these little morning meet-ups mean quite a lot to you guys too - especially since we still celebrate each others birthdays and (used to) fight for our morning bench but failing so we ended up getting displaced eh.

3) my family

i really have the best family one could ever ask for.

i have really understanding parents and an intelligent and talented younger sister.

they are the ones who keep me going at times when my school life gets tough.

the encouragements don't cease despite doing so badly for common tests.

thanks mom and dad, though i might not say it but i really am very thankful for you all.

i know i can be temperamental and snappy and that at times i don't say much but really, nothing can replace family in this world because your love for me goes way beyond the mere superficial needs.

it's sad how our car rides and dinner tables have turned a lot quieter (especially because i'm in this growing up phase), but please know that i am not any less than thankful for you both and jan. :-)

you both are really the role models of my life and seeing you all work so hard for the family and grandparents only deepens my respect for you.

thanks mom and dad you are the best :')

and then there's my grandparents who've taught me so much this month.

first, the value of life.

seeing my grandpa struggle to battle multiple illnesses for a whole month but yet conquered and is now on the road to speedy recovery makes me cherish them even more.

seeing my parents rush over to the hospital day in day out to visit him and yet i could only visit once a week and merely ask them everyday "how's grandpa?".

seeing my grandpa on a sunday afternoon barely able to open his eyes with all the tubes wired around him and being in no position to read the get-well card i wrote for him.

all these little heart-wrenching moments over this past month has really taught me to cherish life, and my grandparents too.

they're not young anymore, and i ought to show my appreciation while i can :-)

so so so so thankful that grandpa is well on his way to recovering!!!!

:')

second, love.

my grandma, immediately upon hearing that my grandpa was well enough to eat solid foods again, cooked up a simple yet lovely meal for him and brought it to the hospital.

and how she would make him finish the food even though he claimed he was "full" and had to feed him the remaining mouthfuls.

they might bicker on a daily basis and there's always this "aggressive" scoldings my grandma gives but then again you know that's love.

nothing big, but so beautiful and priceless :')

4) my playlist

music is really food for the soul.

i love listening to music all day every day.

so grateful for the latest/mentionable additions to my baby: sweater weather, come back home, charlie brown, treasure, find you there, art of war, demons, learning to fall.

thanks for keeping me going especially when i'm faced with giants like freaking organic chemistry or like bloody foreign exchange rates that don't make much sense to me at all.

5) pw results

not that i was very happy with my pw results or anything like that.

but i am quite thankful that it happened because it taught me that sometimes in life hard work just doesn't pay off.

you might be the slackest ass in the world but yet something good to you happens.

and vice versa.

meh i'm not that affected anymore but i would just like to say that life is seriously unfair????!!!!!

and we just have to accept it.

screw it, screw those that didn't deserve it.

what matters the most is you know you did your best and don't despair because this is obviously not the end :-)

being able to meet maria for that short 30mins or so really lifted my spirits nonetheless.

but then again it just rekindles a sadness in me that i didn't cherish the times when she was still in school enough.

hope life is doing you some good this year :)

will blog again soon if i can find the time.

countdown to myes: 26 days left

HOLY.

damn k bye.