results were thrown back to us way too fast.
i remember i was feeling quite unnerved before the release of results... idk why.
i guess it was good that i wasn't tensed up and all, but too bad i guess i had to pay a price after that...
when we gathered in the hall, the wait was what killed us/me.
all that talk about the administration matters & open houses seemed really unimportant to me at that time.
i just wanted to get back my results so i would know where i can go!
and the announcing of our dux......
IT'S SEOW HWEE THE DOOB WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*throws confetti in the air*
OMG THAT MOMENT OF GLORY.
WE WERE ALL CLAPPING IN ADMIRATION FOR HER :)
AND TRULY WE WERE ALL SO PROUD OF HER FOR HONORING PL!!!
this is indeed the #seowhweepride :)
hi seow hwee i am so so so proud of you.
10 a1s is really no mean feat.
though i kinda predicted you'd be the dux, but i'm still awed by your perfect results!
a1s for all 9 subjects is already commendable enough, but you actually got a1 for french omg :')
you're truly a genius, doob, i am srsly so so so so proud of you.
you're truly a genius, doob, i am srsly so so so so proud of you.
hahaha it's really true!!!
and the best thing about you is that you're so loveable 'cos you're so humble :)
PL HAS FINALLY MADE HISTORY THANKS TO YOU MY DEAR RETARD.
my pride for you will never cease to exist HAHAHA.
okay so anyway, putting aside the seowhwee pride, we got back our individual results one by one.
and all sorts of reactions i had witnessed.
majority were that of shock and disappointment, and hardly any were actually squealing in delight.
i was anticipating my turn...
and then it really came.
the second i grabbed hold of my cert, saw the first 3 subjects, and suddenly realised how badly i did.
after signing on the class list, i caught sight of my L1R5 score.
in my mind i was like "shit jamie, you're really done for this time".
i was reeling with disbelief as i looked at my cert.
how...? why...?
what on earth happened?
the next thing i knew i was in tears.
in a bucketful of tears....
i collapsed to the ground with my face buried in my hands, just like how all my dreams really collapsed to heaps.
i cried, and cried, and cried.
i don't even know how to explain this disappointment, but all i know was that i cried non-stop.
suddenly everything i wanted to do in the future seemed almost impossible.
it just felt like i let my parents down.
i wanted to study hard to make them proud of me, but what have i done???
they always tell me my best is enough, and they never expected much out of me.
and look at this. my results were terrible.
though various people came to comfort me, i was feeling really sore on the inside.
what am i going to do from here?
how am i going to face everyone out there?
i remember ms gan very clearly coming to me to comfort me.
she offered me tissue paper and told me some things i will never forget.
"it's okay jamie, you have done well."
thank you ms gan.
you coming to tell me that i have done well was really something that meant a lot to me.
though everyone back at home tells me the same thing, it indeed is different hearing it from a teacher.
though you have never taught me before, except a few interactions in the prefectorial board, this little word of encouragement will ring in my ears for a long time to come.
thank you.
"....you had a lot of responsibilities to bear...."
yes, these words made me reflect upon so much.
from my service as the vice president in the harp ensemble, to a member of the prefectorial board, indeed i have devoted myself to service in pl.
and these servant leadership experiences i've acquired will be something that will stay with me for life.
results really aren't everything, it's your character that defines you.
and i believe that pl has moulded me into a fine person.
i'm truly grateful to pl for providing me with countless leadership opportunities, and for letting me taste the true value of servant leadership here.
the friends i've made and the bonds i've forged,
the memories i've created and the experiences i've shared,
is really incomparable to the results i got that day.
so yeah, after i stopped tearing temporarily, i went to comfort stacy...
i guess the disappointment of our results were too much to bear.
cheer up stacy! :)
and everyone else out there who is feeling really disappointed too.
and to yihui, i hope you're feeling tons better already.
if you see this by chance, please know that i'm really really here to help you.
i really want to help you, it pains me to see you cry so hard.
i'm really very worried for you, please open up....
keep your mood up ok, it's really not the end, in fact, it's only the beginning.
don't be discouraged ok sotong, i will always be here for you.
yup so i just continued with like sporadic intervals of crying 'cos i still couldn't get over my shitty grades.
went to nex after that with yx and stacy to gorge ourselves 'cos we were honestly too disappointed.
had pastamania + sogurt at 4+...
even went to reflect about life outside the library hahaha what retardedness :P
but yeah.
after i got home i was still emotionally unstable because i really.... just couldn't get over it.
phone calls from relatives made me feel a thousand times worse.
i was taking poly into consideration very seriously, and there some people are telling me that a diploma will never get you a job and all that crap.
i was so darn frustrated with them.
like seriously, my results were already disappointing enough, can't you just let me be and let me decide for myself?!
i know what's best for myself, why must you pry into my decision???
you're not even my parent.
ugh, feeling even shittier as the night passed.
continued to tear up at the slightest mention about the results/colleges etc.
after my family went to bed, i cried.
i cried even harder than at school.
a million things were running through my mind that night.
about how i didn't meet my personal expectations, about how i might just end up in poly alone, about how we'd all be separated from one another, about how life would continue, about.... everything.
i was so so so daunted by this failure, 'cos it was almost like history repeating itself.
i studied so so so hard for psle, and ended up performing the worst among everyone.
i studied equally hard for o's, and turned out to score badly too.
for all those who tell me "you did great, nothing to cry about" should really just shut up.
at that point of time i wasn't in the right state of mind to listen to all that "encouragement".
i cried my heart out, my eyes were sore and puffy, my throat was absolutely dry, my jaw was painfully aching, my nose was running non-stop and the tears rolled down incessantly.
it was... that feeling of shit.
true blue shit, i was really at the pit bottom of my life.
the tears were all blinding me as i was whatsapp-ing...
thank you sheryl for being there always to comfort & console me, listening to the reasons for why i was crying and really, listening to just almost everything i said till i fell asleep.
thank you so much for trying to cheer me up, and really just lifting my mood.
i'm very grateful for a friend like you :')
thank you for the coffee you made the next day too~
so yeah i just went to bed that night feeling a whole load better, but waking up with swollen upper lids and a huge zit was no joke.
the next day, it was torture getting up.
though i heard the alarm, i didn't wanna get up 'cos i was still reliving in yesterday's shit.
i didn't wanna wake up to face reality, to go for the college open houses.
i just wanted to continue sleeping the disappointments away.
after a wake-up call and a really sweet encouraging text from my mom, i finally got out of bed and headed out to check out the jcs.
went for nyjc, srjc, ajc and cjc's open houses and they're all pretty good :)
but honestly do you know how i really felt that day?
the feeling from the day before came sinking back in again.
like how i did poorer than my friends, and how i'd never be able to make it to the same colleges as them.
the discussion about entering the better colleges made me feel really down.
i can't even make it to a second-tier college........
and that almost everyone around me could.
it just made me feel even more bitter and disappointed about my results despite the fact that i worked really hard.
that sheer disappointment was really unexplainable.
but i don't blame any of you guys, no hard feelings.
just, truly irked by my own self.
went for the sajc open house the following day and argh it just pains me again how i know i won't be able to make it there.
i really really really want to enter sajc, but too bad my results don't allow me to.
sajc's culture is rather similar to pl's and it just gives me the sense of belonging, it's like as though you're going back home.. :)
but too bad.
thought long and hard about everything and in the end i decided to enter college instead.
though it might not be a reputable one, i like the environment a lot and i just hope i get in.
fingers crossed that my appeals would succeed too.
but yes i'm feeling a lot better now, thank you everyone who were there by my side to keep me afloat from disappointments...
i'm very grateful for the people that have crossed my paths.
i love you all so much.
always believe that something wonderful is about to happen
