Life's just so unfair.

Tag replies:

20/12
Gillian: No prob bunz, i'll always be here for you :)

21/12
Sabrina: Hello! :)

23/12
Abigail: Hi Abby! Thanks! :)

i'm going to blog my heart out today.
so many things ran through my mind.

i don't know about any of you guys, but have you all ever felt so inferior? like the worst among your friends, your schoolmates etc. i bet you all must have. but this time i don't know why, this feeling hit me real hard. it hit so hard that i almost wanted to cry. sometimes i feel that i'm always the one who fails at everything. i'm not good at anything, i just feel that i have so many flaws that i can directly point out by just looking at me and things i do. sometimes i feel that i'm stupid, like really stupid. when i'm being compared to, or more of just the fact that i'm mentally doing so, it kind of hits me that i'm not a very smart kid. i don't get very good grades, and i hate it when i'm being compared to with others. at times i really hate the fact that i wasn't born as smart as some people. i feel so left out and helpless. and no matter how hard i try, i just cannot get the grade, while the smart ones can easily ace tests without even studying for them. i think life is really unfair. i really feel that i'm a good-for-nothing. i'm not pretty, i'm not talented, i'm not smart. yeah you all may say, oh, you learn music, but so what? i'm just the average kid-next-door who happens to learn piano. fine, and sometimes people think i'm a nerd just because i look like one and i act like one. don't people get it that i'm studying so hard because i don't want to look like a failure in front of everyone? i don't want to get laughed at, or especially being compared to. what. like i even have a plus point of myself that i can talk about. i really feel small next to some of you. fine, i may not get the same grades like you, but at least i try. and no one even seems to care a thing.

i feel even smaller standing next to you, knowing how much respect you command. i feel like i'm this loser who's being hated and criticised on every minute of people's lives, like as though this society doesn't have a place for me, this nerd. fine, i'm a nerd. whatever you want. you're smart. full stop. all i can say is that life is unfair, really unfair, because some people are born with everything, the brains, the beauty, the talents etc. while some others are just.... forget it. all i know is i feel stupid standing next to you.

the next thing i wanna talk about is, have any of you ever felt like your efforts you put in have gone to waste? i'm not trying to blame or pinpoint anybody here, because it happens all the time. you put your heart and soul into something, but then it turns out like it was nothing? like everything you visioned in your mind crumbles down to rocks, and you cannot do anything about it? i don't get it, what is this? just because of a few people everything turns out in a mess. never mind i'm going to move on from this topic.

and today got me thinking. so many things ran through my mind. this question that got me thinking was, 'what is a leader?' i asked myself this question many times, and also asked myself many rhetorical questions. shouldn't a leader be someone who takes initiative? shouldn't a leader be a good role model? shouldn't a leader be someone who respects everyone including themselves? shouldn't a leader be someone who has enthusiasm to serve? shouldn't a leader be committed to whatever he/she's doing? i don't know, but of course nobody is perfect. at times we make mistakes, and definitely cannot fulfill all those at one time. i'm not perfect either. but we should at least have the basics rooted down within us right? the basics are what ignite the sparks in us to lead & serve. so i don't understand, if the basics aren't even there, how can he/she qualify as a leader? sometimes i make too many mistakes myself, but i'm trying to learn. which explains the picture of my blog post today. change never ends, and i hope to become a better person each day, just like how everyone else will learn from their own experiences too.

thanks blog, for always being here when i need to do some serious ranting.
and my readers for tolerating my post when i get too frustrated at times.