i like to write.
i like to write about things.
i like to write about things that speak to me.
i like to write about things that speak to me because i feel satisfied.
i like to write about things that speak to me because i feel satisfied after speaking my mind.
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but what use is there?
it is currently 6.26pm and i have just showered and am now having my dinner.
my mind is filled with thoughts, thoughts of uncertainty and uneasiness, some of which i consider to be of absolute redundance.
as my fingers prance about the keyboard at a slow but steady pace, i am again, going to blog, despite knowing that i shouldn't be wasting my time away like this.
i can't help but submit another entry because i am feeling disappointed, angry and tired.
disappointment.
seeing what a mess i am right now in my academics is something that is truly, truly scaring my wits.
though the past 2 years of being in college has definitely strengthened my will and enhanced my resilience, i don't know if this feeling of apathy towards my results is entirely a good thing.
call me nerdy for touching on the topic of studies again if you'd like, but let's all admit that inside each and every one of us lies a faint feeling of defeat and lethargy.
we are only about 50 days away to a levels and i don't know how each and every contender is feeling, but i can be sure that those who've taken their prelims and received their results must be dying a little inside each day.
i may sound a little melodramatic but let's face this hard truth.
for most of us who didn't perform up to standard, i guess we must be feeling this weird sense of an 'indifferent fear'.
you know you've really tried this time, but yet the results are showing otherwise, hence the fear.
then again, you don't know how hard you need to push yourself for the remaining 8 weeks because you simply don't know where to begin, hence the nonchalance.
what exactly went wrong?
you feel small, exceptionally small, with the mountains of effort and hard work you've invested all crumbling down on you.
are you not working hard enough?
sometimes you just feel like you're never going to make it at this rate, and every time you try to push yourself even harder it just ends up in vain.
i cannot imagine what my life for the next 50 days would be like, but all i ask is that we pull through this together and make it out, alive.
anger.
was feeling a little enraged on the inside after reading some rants about people feeling "stressed".
mind you they are from top schools.
okay i must admit that obviously everyone is feeling tired and all that pressure pent up has got to be released somehow, but the fact that they already have an edge over the rest of us here slogging our guts out answers everything.
after o levels i never dared to believe anything about "hard work paying off" or anything along these lines because sometimes it really takes a bit of luck and a lot of brains.
the fact that you succeeded for o's has already brought you up to a "better" school so you shouldn't have much to worry about.
the people who should be worried seriously ought to be those who are barely getting by.
we have to work doubly hard to match up to your level; and i'm not even talking about overtaking.
to even catch up to you we have to slog our asses off, and then somewhere somehow there'll be someone who'll be mocking at you by saying "too bad that you fell behind".
this competition is crazy and i consider myself to be cynical about this whole "education rat race".
i'm not and i won't be sorry for not being able to catch up, in fact, i'm just ashamed to be a part of this society that fails to recognise each and every single individual's talents.
it's society's loss that fails to utilise its people and their gifts effectively.
is it my fault that i suck at the subjects that are required to obtain a cert????
no it is not.
is it my fault that my only strength and interest lies in language????
no it is not.
is it my fault that i am failing time and time again after umpteen tries????
no it is not.
this whole paper qualification sorting mechanism is not bad; it's disastrous.
you feed those who have got a degree but let those without one starve.
and the result of it all? a burgeoning middle-class of angry individuals who are deprived of opportunities, and even life.
call this whole thing "education", seriously.
what is education if you don't bring out the best and uncover each an every individual's potential?
fatigue.
never ever felt the need to sleep this much before.
call it stress, but yeah, it's sad.
i'm so worn out but there is clearly no time to stop, rest and recharge ourselves.
time is ticking, days are passing, society is progressing, without you.
tired is the word but i guess there's always other things in life that make you feel motivated.
all i need is a little bit of motivation, a little bit of encouragement, a little bit of determination that will tide me through the next 3 months.
please.
in the meantime, i'll make it up as i go... :)
p.s. took me a lot of courage to post this but yeah, i did anyway. don't take anything to heart; just a harmless perspective of a cynical schooling teenager lol.
